Oh, Sweet Nightmare
Phase I - Oh, Sweet Nightmare, I am Thine
by Akira Ichijouji
Disclaimer: I don't own Digimon... gee, that's a no-brainer. If I did there would be... Lots and lots and lots of yaoi!!! <nosebleed> ^^;; Anyway... Saban, Fox Kids, and Toei Animation own it, as well as Bandai, methinks...
A/N: Ah, yes, I'm just feeding my obsession with Ken-related couples... I have recently discovered the beauty of Kenkeru, and even though it wouldn't actually happen, it makes for great fanfics. So this is my Kenkeru/Kensuke. (Ken sure gets around, ne? Hehehe... ^_~) Oh, yeah, I forgot... this is YAOI. SHOUNEN-AI. Boys with boys. Don't like it? Too bad, you can mosey your mouse up to the Back button and click. Do like it? By all means read! And please R&R! ^_^
Woo, this is a big departure from my usual fluffy fics. Angst and sadism. And lots of it! I wrote most of this very late at night, actually...and I think I was tapping into some of my own stifled personality to write it. Frightening, ne?
This story is rated "R" for language, lemony content, and just some overall wrongness. Muahaha. ^_~
It all started with that damned jogress evolving. Could I be accepted into the group? Could I accept them? Could my feelings for Daisuke completely take control of me? Ha. The answer to all three questions is "yes".
What I feel every time XV-mon and Stingmon jogress evolve is indescribable. There is a closeness that I never thought I could feel with anyone -- much less with Daisuke. He *is* charming, in his own way. His slightly stylish but garish clothing, his spiky mahogany hair, the goggles -- they all scream Daisuke, as I do.
I used to be angry at myself for what I have done. Now I am angry at the injustice of the world, and at Fate, which made me who I am: Arrogant, kind, spiteful, gentle, borderline insane, and... and... fickle. That is the one that I hate to label myself as. That is the one that hurts.
What I felt for Takeru was a mistake. A simple mistake, easily fixable, if he had not had the same feelings for me. It was the kind of love that left you cursing the intruder in your bed the next morning. It was the kind of love that you try and try to forget... It was the kind of love that left me wanting more. Not like the way I felt for Daisuke -- this was much more... consuming. Oh, I know... I should not feel that way, should I? Getting off on other people's suffering. That is a part of me that I would like to throw out with the Kaiser. Unfortunately, that is impossible.
When he came to me I was stunned. I never, in my wildest dreams, thought that Takeru would want *me*. I am the embodiment of everything he hates so much. Well, that is Fate for you. Always meddling in the affairs of mortals. I am resigned to *my* fate, but I do *not* have to like it.
But I get ahead of myself. What I am trying to explain should be told delicately. I will try to be as objective as possible.
* * *
I felt myself drawn to Daisuke when I first captured him, back when I was the Kaiser. My feelings were nebulous at first, just incoherent adolescent desires. But I was the Kaiser. Those desires turned on me, making me sadistic in my affection for the new leader of the Digidestined. I wasn't totally aware of my feelings until that soccer game. Something about the way he worshipped the ground I walked on made me feel hot. I wanted to show him who was master... So I singled him out.
Oh, yes, I pretended outrage. I pretended that he had humiliated me, embarrassed me in front of my team. But oh, if he only knew. I led him to me angry, full of rage at the capture of his friends. I forced him to obey me, and I couldn't stop. The overwhelming satisfaction I had for causing pain had taken control, full force. I made him kneel before me, call me Master. Shivers ran through me at that. I clenched my fists, grinning insanely. But the part of me that I had stifled cried out in pain. *That* part of me wanted to go to him, lift him to his feet, and cover him with kisses. But I choked it down. I had to.
Let me step out of my narration for a moment. I feel I must describe my sadistic nature. Many people do not understand this side of me -- I'm not sure that I do. But it used to scare me and it scares me now. As the Kaiser, this hidden part of my psyche *was* me.
I'm not a psychologist but I think it all stems from want of control. I felt my life spinning *out* of control after Osamu died, and I simply could not endure it. I fought to keep hold of the things I *could* hold -- my grades, my soccer-playing, my black-belt in judo, my eating habits... I even became anorexic for a short time, a classic case. But what I could control the most was how other people perceived me. I could put on a cool face at any time -- charm a reporter, lead my soccer team in battle, explain a complicated math problem. I found I was a master at manipulation.
When I first came to the Digital World I was as innocent as anyone. Then everything changed -- Osamu was dead. I began to make up for the emptiness I felt in my very soul by inflicting pain. Making others feel that pain was like a drug. A heavy, addictive drug. I was constantly high on it, feeling its insane side-effects take control of me. But I was too doped up to care. One crack of my whip and endorphins flooded my system. My eyes would dilate, I would start to get hot. But enough about me.
When Daisuke and I became jogress partners, I felt so complete. Everything I ever wanted was entangled in that one digilogical process. It is an exhilarating feeling to become one with someone, especially if that is the person you've been nursing a love for.
Ah, Daisuke, will you ever learn? You put on that brave face to impress everyone, but all you end up doing is alienating them. I know, I've watched you. Oh, I've watched you. I know every detail of your body. I believe I could draw you from memory. But, I digress. I must return to my story.
Let me start with the day that changed everything.
It began like any other, the sun rising delicately over the horizon, a pale pink blush transforming the sky. I was awake as early as usual, despite the fact that it was the weekend. I went to the kitchen to make breakfast...
Who am I kidding? I'm stalling, plain and simple. I wish I could just get over it, forget the whole nasty business ever occurred. Damn.
Takeru stopped by my house around 2:00 PM. I was surprised to see him, to say the least. We weren't enemies, but we weren't friends either. We are the two people in the group that never seem to interact much with one another. I was confused and frightened, however, by the look in his eyes. It meant business, and I had no doubt that what was coming would not be good. I motioned him inside, and after we got into my bedroom and I shut the door, he turned to me.
"I don't understand you, Ichijouji..." I was taken aback by his straightforwardness.
"What's there to understand?" I purred, walking slowly around him. He looked visibly nervous. He put out a hand to stop me from moving. That was when we both felt it.
That spark of attraction hit us both like a lightening bolt. But both of us were too confused and shocked to act on it. A scarlet blush crept up Takeru's cheeks, and he turned away, desperate to hide his emotion from his former arch-enemy.
I'm not proud of this. In fact, this is what I hate myself for. I could have left it be, swept Daisuke off his feet and lived happily ever after. Instead I felt the old feeling come over me. I needed to control this boy.
I reached up, touching his hair. I sensually slipped off his hat, setting it down on the desk. I let my fingers explore his golden locks, and he let out a very shaky breath. I could see how he was trying to maintain control of his facilities, but I noticed how hard he was holding on to the sides of his shorts, and how his hands were shaking. I let my hand trace down the back of his head. I let my fingertips brush over his neck. And I let my old self back in.
Before either of us knew what we were doing, we had our arms about each other and our lips locked together, tongues warring for possession of both mouths. We managed to make it up to my bed, climbing the ladder a difficult task for two horny teenagers. As soon as we reached the top, I pinned him to the bed, holding down both of his wrists on either side of his head. I kissed him like a cobra strikes -- quickly and without mercy. He moaned, trying to free his hands, wanting to touch me. I pushed down harder. Then I looked into his eyes. There was something intensely sexy about the wild look in them, that haunted gaze he had right before he punched the lights out of me in the Digital World. I moved my lips down to his throat, kissing and nipping at the supple flesh there. He closed his hungry eyes, throwing his head back and gasping. I knew we had gone too far but it was too late to turn back. Takeru thrust his hips upwards, craving contact. I gave it to him.
This is not the part that I am ashamed of. If sex was all that happened, we could have come to a mutual agreement, put it behind us. Making love to the Keeper of Hope was not my crime. That I let him believe I had feelings for him was.
We were drowsy and content, lying on my bed in disarray. Neither of us could believe what had just happened.
"I ah... just wanted you to know... I'm not the kind of person to rush into things like this. I don't know what came over me..." Takeru was floundering.
"I know... I'm not... either. I... hope... you aren't offended?" That was me, polite to a fault. I had just fucked him silly and I couldn't get past my damned formality.
But the Kaiser had left. Where there was sadism there was now tenderness. I let my kindhearted nature take control again. But that was my mistake -- I should have...
"Ken-chan?" I looked up, concerned. "Is something wrong?"
I shook my head, a little fazed at his use of this particular honorific. "I'm just... kind of embarrassed. I don't really know what I just did..."
I really didn't. The last ten to twenty minutes had been a blur of desire and pleasure.
There was silence for a few minutes, then:
"Do you regret doing this?" Takeru entwined his fingers in my hair.
I shook my head again, smiling. "No." I drew him closer, kissing him again. But this time, it was no frenzied mistake. We were acting like we were in love.
* * *
Takeru and I could not stay away from each other. We were addicted. We could hardly be in the same room and not tear each others' clothes off. This posed some problems, of course -- in the Digiworld, it was difficult to get rid of our jogress partners long enough so that we could enjoy a short tumble in the foliage. Then Takeru started to fall for me.
One Saturday morning when my parents were out shopping, Takeru and I were "watching TV" -- more like making out on the couch.
"Mmmmm, Ken-chan... ooooh, don't stop!" Unfortunately for him, I did stop. I sat up abruptly. Takeru looked confused, running his fingers through his tawny hair.
"Do you think we should be doing this?" I asked, hugging my knees to my chest. "I mean, isn't it kind of wrong to be fooling around with someone you don't have feelings for?" Takeru looked away. I could see he was hurt.
I began to flounder. "You...ah, you don't, ah, have feelings for *me*... do you?" Our eyes met, and I cannot believe that I did not see it before. His eyes were full of wounded love. Oh, sweet Kami, protect my soul.
I felt a rosy blush creep up my face. Of all the idiotic things to say, I abruptly said:
"I think I might have feelings for you too." That was the kind side of me. The side that did not want to see my Takeru hurt. But that side of me inflicted more pain on him than my Kaiser persona ever could. Because I played at being sincere.
It was not a complete lie; I really thought, in my conscious mind, that I could have feelings for this boy. But deep in my subconscious, I knew that I did not. I knew I was still in love with Daisuke.
* * *
END PHASE I
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