Disclaimer: Toei Animation owns Digimon Adventure 02 (and the dub rights now belong to Disney, whereas they once belonged to the now-defunct Saban Entertainment). The song "Beautiful Alone" is from Weiss Kreuz and is sung by Seki Tomokazu, Koyasu Takehito, Yuuki Hiro, and Miki Shin'ichirou (otherwise known as Weiss).
Author's Note: I don't know why, but I just felt like doing a sad little fic to this song. I guess because it's such a pretty song.
Point of View: Takaishi Takeru
...I miss you. I probably will never be able to say this enough, but I miss you. And I know that I will continue missing you for years to come now. There's no escaping that, no matter how much I'd like to. I guess that is how life goes.
Yes, it always comes to an end. But did yours have to end so soon?
I can see you sometimes still, did you know that? Late at night, when all of the lights are off, and I'm alone in bed, if I close my eyes, you're there again, smiling at me, holding your arms open, waiting for me to hold you in mine. Waiting for me to take you close to me, to kiss you, and to let you know how much I love you. I wish I could tell you how much I want to do that again.
Do you miss me, Ken? Where you are, do you miss me? Or are you in a place so beautiful that you've forgotten me? I know that I don't exactly believe in a life after death, and that I never have, but...if anyone would get one, I'm sure it would be you. Maybe it's wishful thinking, because I know that, even if there is one, we'd never be reunited. But...
But I can't stop hoping I'll see you again, you know? I'm sorry that I dwell too much on this. I'm sure you don't want me to, but I can't stop thinking about you, Ken. I love you too much to ever stop thinking about you.
I guess I'm just damned if I do and damned if I don't. Either way, I don't have you here with me.
I was at your grave again today. I brought you some roses. I...know they were your favorite. I remember how your eyes would always light up whenever you saw me bring them to you...and then you would yell at me for doing something so useless. Flowers die, you would always say. They die, and so it's useless to keep buying them. Useless to keep bringing them to you. Yet you loved it when I did. Once, when you though I wasn't listening, I heard you say that it felt like a solid little proof that I would always love you.
I always did like making you happy. And I always loved seeing that sparkle in your beautiful violet eyes.
Did you know that I threw a rose in with you when they buried you? A red rose, for our love, the love that I will never forget, as long, or short, as I live.
I have to see you again, Ken. I have to see you, to hold you. And I would do anything for that.
But...I won't cry. I can't cry. Not until you are in my arms again.
konno machi wa utsushiteru itsumo
meguriau hito ga nagareru
fuandake dakishimeru hibiyo
moshimo kokoni anata ga
itara hanasanai noni
You're with me, though, right? Somehow, I'm always going to have a bit of you with me. I guess that, for now, that's going to have to be enough to hold me though.
But I still want more. I want you in my arms, I want to seal our lips together again, to feel your breath against my cheek. I want to feel the way that you used to snuggle against me.
Though...I do still have those wonderful memories of you. And I remember how you would always say that you didn't need to lean on me even though you constantly did. How you said that you were strong enough on your own, that you didn't need me. I loved when you would do that. It would show me how passionate you could be, and how vulnerable. Because, even though you said you didn't need me...you did, Ken. You needed me there, just as I needed you there, need you here, because we held each other together.
wasurerukotode kyoo no hi o
boku wa ikiteiruyo
I'm still here, though. Even though you're gone, I'm here...alone. I'm continuing on this road that is life, this hard journey, without a love to hold in my arms. I want to hold you again, Ken. I want to share every experience with you, to show you everything beautiful that I find. I want to see that little smile on your face, that light in your eyes as we find something spectacular.
...It'll never happen again, though. And nothing would compare to our last little adventure. That sealed it, you know. That sealed that I would never be able to be with anyone other than you. That last "adventure," in the park. You ran from me...you always liked to run from me, to have me try to catch you.
And you always let me. Just because of the way I did it, you would say. Because of the way that I would come up behind you and wrap my arms around your waist, pulling you close against me...and then kiss your ear and whisper sweet nothings to you. And that last time was no different...
Except that it happened just as the sun was setting. You looked so beautiful in those lights...not that you didn't always look beautiful, mind you. And then...after the sunset...I found that flower, the one that matched your eyes perfectly. That soft blush when I gave it to you...you always were embarrassed by my small tokens of affection, even though you tried to cover up for it, weren't you? You were too cute for words.
That was why I kissed you then.
But I won't cry, Ken. I can't, not until I find a way to have you back with me. You were stolen from me...
...I never should have taken you home that night. I should have brought you to my place, let you stay with me for the night. You would still...
...I wouldn't have lost you...
kasaneru yoni shite kuchizukeru
futariga itameta kizuatoga
utsukushii wakare o tsugeru daro
I look outside, watching the sunset in its final moments, watching as the world welcomed the night. Night suits me now, you know? It never used to, but...ever since I lost you, Ken, I just...I can't be happy.
My only happiness is at night, when I'm dreaming, because you're here again in my dreams. You're with me, laughing, smiling...letting me hold you, letting me kiss you. And I never want to let you go, Ken. It hurts too much to have to let you go when the morning comes.
I want it to be night forever. I don't want the morning to arrive. But it always does...night always ends, and morning always comes, and I'm left alone again.
I sigh, grabbing my coat and walking outside. Storm clouds are forming...it's my kind of night. The world will do the crying that I can't.
I walk out into the night air, just as the raindrops start falling, and just wander. Over there, to my right, is the tree that we ran under when it started to rain one time...that was when I first asked you out. I don't think I'd ever been so nervous in my entire life, do you know that, Ken? I mean, plain old me, asking out the beautiful Ichijouji Ken? It was unheard of. I just knew that you would turn me down...and yet you didn't. You said yes...and made all of my dreams come true.
But that's gone now, and I could kick myself for letting you slip away so easily. I wish...lately, I've been dreaming that I had been there with you, that we had died together that night. That your eternal sleep was instead ours.
If death were to come after me, I'd welcome it, because that is the only way I'd have you back. And the moment that I die, if I can be with you again, I will be. You'll be in my arms, safe...and we'll never be parted again.
...This rain is too persistent. I don't remember one that was so close to me...that washed over my face like this. You'd say its tears...but...I can't.
I can't admit to that, Ken. So, for now...
...It's just the rain.
ai no kage shiite iru kitto
michi kakeru tsuki o samayo
eien ga owattara
munashisani tsutsumaru sotto
sorani kieru tsubame o tsubasa boku ni attara
I know it won't phase you much where you are...but I couldn't sleep last night.
Every time I closed my eyes, I saw you, and...it hurt too much. I kept seeing you, so close to me, just an arm's length away...and every time I nearly touched you, you laughed at me, you flew away.
So I lay awake in my bed, thinking of you, of course. You're the only thing on my mind lately. Actually, that's a lie. You've been the only thing on my mind ever since we got together.
It hurts, Ken. It hurts so much to be without you. All I can think about is how much I want you here, how things were when you were here, everything like that. There's this hole inside of me now that you've gone, a hole in the very core of my soul.
And I can't stop hoping for it to be filled again. Even though I know it won't. It won't fill up until I'm with you once more.
nanika o motome sonno kawari
boku wa ai o nakusu
Are you waiting for me? Are you waiting for me the way that you do in so many of my dreams? Alone, looking out to the horizon, with me on your mind?
Do you wait for me to come whisk you away, as though I was your knight?
...No, that's probably just wishful thinking. But I hope that you are waiting for me to be with you again, Ken. That's my dream.
So I'm here, alone, thinking of you. Back in front of my door, staring at it as though it's some foreign object. It might as well be, of course. All of this, the world of the living, it's all strange to someone who wants nothing more than to live among the dead.
Perhaps it's true, what they say about people who are in love. If one dies...the other is loathe to live on.
It's torture to live without you, to not have you here every time I turn around. Everyone misses you, of course.
But none more than I do. That's why...
I hope that you don't hate me for this, Ken, but I have to. I need to be with you. Like this, it's not living anyway. You'll say it's the coward's way out, and it probably is, but...
I died the moment the trigger was pulled. When you died...everything I had to live for died. My heart died...my soul died.
I live physically, but every other way...I'm nothing. Just an empty shell now, working through the motions of this life.
And to live would be to be with you again.
itawari auyoni dakishimeru
futari ga kizuita omoide ga
utsukushii kodoku o egakudaro
...I know that my family will be upset. But they'll understand. I can see it in their eyes that they know this is coming. I can see it in their eyes that they're surprised that it hasn't happened already.
And I'm sure I'll probably be missed by our friends just as much as you are. But we'll be together, and they'll know that. They've told me that they want me happy again...any way that I could be. And this is the only way.
So my physical life drains from me, all while I go to reclaim the life that I lost when I lost you. Are you there for me, Ken?
Are you going to be with me? Or...was this a mistake? Will I be alone still?
kasaneru yoni shite kuchizukeru
futariga itameta kizuatoga
utsukushii wakare o tsugeru daro
My eyes close. I don't feel the weight of my body anymore, and, sure enough, when I look...it's there on the ground, while I'm...somewhere above it.
But you're not here. I frown, looking around. I could have sworn you would be here...
...I'm sorry, Ken.
Is that...I stop, feeling something so very familiar...someone pressing against my back...burying their face in my spine. Ken...you were waiting.
"I've missed you..."
I turn, wrapping my arms around my reclaimed love. "And I missed you...every moment of every day. Ken-chan...I could never live without you." That smile...
...The smile I've longed to see since I lost you. But the tears in your eyes, Ken...
"I'm sorry, Takeru..." It feels good to hold you again, to wipe your tears away. "I don't know why I'm crying. I..." I can feel your smile. "I'm so happy that you're here."
"I'm happy that I am here."
Because...for both of us...
It was lonely. And perhaps loneliness can be beautiful in its nature, but...nothing could ever keep us apart, no matter how beautiful, for nothing surpasses the beauty of our love. And I know that now, holding you in my arms again, Ken. I know that we're going to be together forever now.