Memory 07 - Not Ever
by Midori Kou
The words escaped my mouth.
I can't hold in anymore...
If I do, I feel like I will drown in sorrow.
I don't want to feel sad...
But whatever I do, it turns out that way.
How can I stop it all?
How can I no longer feel lost?
Please hear me... Please guide me...
I think you are the only one who can...
Ken stared immensely at the blond teenager before him as he held tightly onto the trench coat, which he had placed over his shoulder earlier. A silence grew between them after the Child of Kindness's words. It was so nerve-breaking. To not know what the other boy was feeling at the moment... It made the raven hair teen's heart trembled. It's funny how this boy gave him warmth and yet right now, the golden hair angel had such a cold complexion upon his face. Whatever he gives to other seems to be the opposite of what he truly feels. But how can he be positive that is what dwells in him? How can he be sure? If only he would answer him...
The anxiety of the wait made Ken's heart turn. Takeru had said nothing in the last thirty minutes. Suspenseful as it was, the Child of Kindness did not anticipated himself patiently waiting for a response. He wanted an immediate answer, but did not want to push him say something that could be a lie. Why did he allow himself to act this way towards him? Why does he treat the blond teen differently? He was usually impatient when it comes to such simple questions. Daisuke is a good example for such instances. If the goggle boy did not answer, Ken would drive it out of him. So why is so hard for him to accept silence over an actual response? Is because Takeru is the only person he knew that lied to him, let alone to everyone? Why did it affect him so much? Why does it hurt him to know that he has been lying about himself all this time? Perhaps, that is the reason why he is able to wait for a clear response no matter how long it would take.
Crossing his arms, Takeru sighed, abruptly destroying the silence for a moment. Burying his hands into his pockets, he strolled ahead of him, creating a gap between the two of them. Wordlessly, Ken followed, feeling disappointed by the Child of Hope's approach towards the situation. The golden hair boy had told him that he wanted to eliminate the false representation of himself and yet he still hides away behind his mask. Why?
Why every time this boy opens up to him, he shuts him out immediately? Why is he so afraid to expose the real him? Is there something else that the Child of Kindness did know? Was there such a cruel outcome that may result if he speaks truth? What was it exactly? What was it that made him keep his silence?
The more Takeru remain quiet, the more Ken became anxious to understand him. Questions... Questions... Questions... They flustered his mind and overcrowded his thoughts. He could not clear his conscious from his curiosity for it had completely dictated him. He wanted to relieve his heart's content but that would only occur if the blond angel would just say something... Anything... As frustrating as the situation is, the raven hair boy had to realize that the Child of Hope cannot change his ways within a short amount of time. These types of things takes time, he knew that. Even so, it was not comforting. After all, Takeru's emotions, feelings and actions were terribly different depending on the situation. The one thing that had disturbed him the most was that the blond teenager had kissed his tears away and acted as if it was a normal quirk.
Was it normal? Was it normal for a young teenage boy to approach the situation like that? Ken had not interpreted the moment until now. The emotions that dwelled in his heart when he was in Takeru's arms... His bodily warmth... His delicate touch... His tender, luscious lips... He wanted it all, to feel them all. The raven hair teenager blinked, aware about his perverted thoughts. Why did he felt so attached to Takeru? Why did he felt safe within the angel's grasp? Why did he want him?
Biting his lips, the Child of Kindness did not know what to think anymore. At first he was more focused on changing his reputation to appear less of a prodigy and more like the real him. From that, the raven hair boy had digressed from his original intentions for himself and found something much deeper than his own problems. He found Takeru's false self. Ken wanted to destroy the fake lie that golden hair teenager has been living as much as he wanted people to know the real him. In the process, he wanted Takeru to be involved in his life somehow.
Why? Why did he want Takeru so much? Why did he seem so appealing to his heart? Was he attracted to the blond angel? Ken held his breath in response to the thought. It did not occurred to him until he recollected that he wanted to touch his soft skin. It doesn't make any sense. I had never felt anything towards him, but why do I feel so reassured when I talk to him? Why do I want to talk to him? Why do I want his company? Why...? Why did I enjoy being in his arms? Could I be...?
"We're here..." Takeru's voice broke his train of thought. The Child of Kindness jumped, suddenly realizing that they were already at the train station. His amethyst eyes searched around to confirm that he was and glanced to the golden hair boy. He did not look at him. Instead, he stared forward, leaving no area for possible eye contact with Ken.
As he headed down the stairs, the Child of Hope paused in his tracks as he awaited the other boy. But the raven hair boy did not waver for he just stood there, staring that the other teenager's back. Clinching his fist, he could not allow himself to think otherwise about his emotions. It was difficult for him to accept, but it could be true. I can't tell him...Not when I'm this close to knowing more about him. Forget what I am feeling. I shouldn't let it get to me. One thing at a time... I'll sort out my thoughts when I get home.
"Ichijouji-kun, what's the hold-up?" Takeru complained. "There are some people who like to go home... I.E. Me."
"Uh... Right!" Ken answered hesitantly. As the raven hair boy walked down the stairs, he stumbled all of a sudden and lost his footing. Gravity took its toll on him. His hair was flowing in midair as his body began to fall down the flight of steps. He did not cry out nor did he murmur anything. He stayed silent.
Turning around at the bottom of the stairs, Takeru noticed the Child of Kindness's body was suspended in midair. His deep ocean blue eyes widen as he became aware of the situation. On the spur of the moment, the blond teenage boy raced up the flight of steps, hoping to prevent him from getting hurt. As he did, Ken's body slammed onto his when Takeru caught him in his arms. The force of his fall caused Takeru to lose his balance as the two of them tumbled the rest of the way.
SMACK!!! The golden hair boy landed on the side of his body with the Child of Kindness in his grasp. The blond's medication had slid out of his pocket after the accident though it did not occurred to him. Groaning, Takeru eyed the raven hair teen who he had cushioned his fall. Ken's face became flushed with red as he noticed how terribly close the blond angel was holding him. His fingers were clinched tight onto the black trench coat and his arms were trembling after enduring the hard crashing fall. Breaking out of his embrace, Ken checked on the other boy's condition.
"Are you alright?" The Child of Kindness asked, feeling incredibly at fault. Helping the golden hair boy to sit up straight, he placed his hand gently onto his shoulder.
"Yeah," Takeru managed to mumble out. "I think I'm okay..."
"I'm so sorry! I should have been more careful! I--"
Setting his hand over the other boy's, Takeru calmly held it within his. His clear sapphire eyes were unwavering. They gazed only at him, focused only on him. It was like there were no one else around them whatsoever. As Ken stared at his unhesitant eyes, his heart throbbed harder and harder as the seconds passed. He just wanted to spread his arms around him and hold him close to him. Restraining himself, he allowed himself to be captivated by the blond angel's beautiful starry eyes.
Suddenly, Takeru pulled him close his body, which simply surprised the raven hair boy. Slipping his fingers into the Child of Kindness's dark, silky hair, the blond teenage boy brought the boy's face close to his own. At that very moment, his gentle lips softly touched Ken's as they were sealed by a light kiss. The raven hair teen's heart jumped by the sudden feeling of the boy's tender lips. His body tingled as the delicate touch pumped his nerves.
Breathing softly, Ken's body moaned for more. It was so irresistible to not have that touch again. It was strange. He accepted it so easily like an addiction to a drug. It felt so good and satisfying. Never had he had felt so much pleasure. This sudden urge in him completely took over him, wanting more than just a small kiss. Trying to restrain desires, he could not allow himself to be controlled by such feelings, but unconsciously, he wrapped his arms around the other boy. Immediately, Ken allowed his lips to meet with Takeru's as he passionately kissed him in return. The blond did not retaliate against his action; he simply welcomed it.
As the raven hair boy pulled away, he heard Takeru sigh restlessly. Confused, the Child of Kindness did not know how the other boy would react. His eyes stared at the ground as he touched his lips lightly. I don't know why, but I have feelings for you, Takeru. There's something about you that lures me. I want to know you... I want to talk to you... I want to touch you... I want to be with you...
"Ichijouji-kun...," The Child of Hope finally uttered.
"Do not ever pull a stunt like that...," he coldly replied. His flat tone was terribly frightening. It was so dead and lifeless, nothing similar to Takeru's personality.
"What? Takeru, I--I..."
The blond teen cleared his throat as he pointed as the steps behind him. Ken's crystal violet eyes followed the direction of his arm and he blinked subtly. "I was talking about the stairs," he noted.
"Then... What about...?" Ken suddenly found him asking.
"You asked me who am I to you, didn't you?" The golden hair boy shot back.
"Yeah, I did."
"Well, now you know."
The raven hair teenager stood there quietly, wondering if the other boy's actions were nothing but a test of emotions. Sure, he wanted to know Takeru, but not like this. Was all this act of kissing meaningless? Was it all for play? By doing so, he did realize his feelings for him but how it was approached was so wrong and disturbing. What if he did not feel any attraction towards him whatsoever and the blond Chosen Child had kissed him? Then what? Then again, if he did not have any feelings for him, Takeru wouldn't have done such a thing, would he?
"Takeru?" He wanted to ask. No matter what was the consequence, he had to know. He has the right to know. He shouldn't allow himself to feel like this, if he is not going to return them. "Then, what about you? What am I to you?"
The blond teenage boy rubbed his temple as he pondered the fact himself. Within a short moment's time, he answered, "I don't know exactly... I have yet to figure it out." He said no more and had left it at that. Ken found it surprising that the other boy was able to comply without hesitation about something as controversial as this, but he was unable to speak about himself. Perhaps... Just perhaps, he could change all with due time.
"We better get going..." Ken realized.
As Takeru got up onto his feet, the two teenage boys left the area and headed deep within the train station. Unknowingly to the Child of Hope, his medication still remained at the bottom of the flight of stairs, hidden by the darkness.
The train ride home was tremendously quiet. The car was entirely vacant. The clean panels and the rough metal textures surrounded the raven hair boy as he sat beside the blond. Apparently, the Child of Hope insisted him to come along to keep him company. Even though he had joined him kindly, his presence was so uncomfortable. He stared out of the window carefree, acting as if their kiss was nothing. Was he thinking? Was he trying to understand? If only he knew what he was feeling...
Takeru had a blank, dull expression across his face. His eyes were so distant, not looking at him or anything else except what was outside. What was so wonderful outside in a train tunnel that was so mesmerizing to the golden hair boy? Looking over the blond's shoulder, Ken searched to see what he found so fascinating.
There, lying on the corner of the window panel was a firefly. Its illuminating body slowly faded in and out like a flickering light bulb. It glow a soft yellow tone upon Takeru's face. The delicate warm light contrasted his mood. If only he felt happy, then it would make everything ever so perfect for him.
Noticing the raven hair boy's reflection upon the Plexiglas, Takeru glared the Child of Kindness through his transparent self. Raising his eyebrow, he asked, "What is it?"
Ken's amethyst eyes lowered as he felt he should just keep his silence. Sighing, he returned his gaze back into the empty car. As he did, the blond teenage boy followed as well, wondering what could have been the problem. "How can you ask me that so loosely?" The dark hair boy replied as he slouched over his knees.
"What are you talking about?"
"You know pretty damn well what I'm talking about, Takeru!"
The golden hair boy stared at him with an odd look spread across his face. He blinked in response, knowing nothing about what he was talking about? Was he so dense to see other people's feelings as much as his own? Has he confined himself so much that he forgot was it meant to feel anything at all? What have he done that seemed so offending to the other boy? This he did not knew... Funny how to could be seen as a top student, but is a failure when it comes to life itself...
"It's about what happened earlier, isn't it?" he guessed.
"Yes, of course it is! How can you act like it never happened? How can you act like you never hold me or kiss me? Why do you act like this? What are you afraid of?"
Afraid... What was he so afraid of? Was he afraid to begin with? Why did he allow himself to hide away in the darkness corner? Why do force himself to wear his mask of falseness when it was he who wanted to stop living a lie? The blond teenager did not notice this impacted others, let alone this boy beside him. Did they start to recognize his flaws without his knowing? What were the walls he had created that barricaded him from the world where freedom lies?
Rubbing his temple as he closed his eyes, the golden hair boy uttered, "Everyone..."
"Huh...? Everyone?" Ken echoed, astonished by his remark.
"I'm afraid of everyone. Are you happy now?" Takeru shot back.
"But why? Why do you fear everyone?"
"Their thoughts... Their opinions... Their views... I don't know them. I truly don't know anyone as much as myself," he admitted. His cerulean eyes widen as he realized he was confessed his suffering aloud. Looking away from Ken, he stared the floor, wishing to say no more.
"Are you afraid of being close to anyone?" The Child of Kindness wondered.
"Do I appear to be?" the blond asked in return to avoid answering the question.
Ken leaned back as he supported his head with his arms. Looking at the plain ceiling of the car, he softly replied, "Yeah, I think you do..."
The raven hair boy's response to his inquisition surprised him as of that moment. He was not aware that he may have such a fear towards people. After all, he is well-active at school through extracurricular activities. He interacts with other peers all the time. So why...? Why Ken believes that he was afraid of having a close relationship? Was it because this boy had discovered that he has been lying all this time? Was he afraid of people unable to accept his true self? Is it because he did not wanted to be hated? Why? What was it that made him this way? If only he could understand...
"Maybe, I am..." Takeru thought aloud.
"I don't want to be hated... If I were to love someone, I'm afraid that I would get hurt, I suppose...," he admitted. Maybe it was his childhood that affected his views about the world the most. How can he accept love when it resulted in his family being separated? He believed love, no matter what, would solve everything, but in the end, it had destroyed him. Love did not allow his parents to look beyond their wrongs. Love did not exist and it never will. He lost hope in it and he knew it. His heart turned by the thought of his parents' divorce. Why...? Why does it always lead to that? Did it affect me that much? I really don't know anymore... I really don't know what I feel anymore...
"None of us like to be hated, Takeru...," Ken replied.
"No, of course not."
"I feel like there are people who hate me, but they don't say anything about it."
"Why would hate a person like you?" The Child of Hope asked, doubting the fact. The other boy's made his heart throbbed by the mysterious meaning behind his question. Blushing, he tried to hide his face away from the golden hair teen subtly.
"I don't know, but I feel that they exist..."
"The only possible reason for them to hate you is because they don't understand you. Personally, they should not have the right to prejudge someone they don't know."
"Did you prejudge me once?" The raven hair teenage boy questioned innocently.
"Yeah...," Takeru confessed. "But that was because I didn't know you well."
"So what do you think about me now? Am I different from what you originally thought?
Standing up, the blood teenager placed his hand on the railing near the exit. Leaning his head against the pole, he sighed lightly as he tried to sort out the correct words to say. With his back facing the dark hair boy, Takeru glared the end of car in a daze. Ken stared at him silently, waiting for his response. As he did, he admired the boy's handsome figures. His golden strands of hair... His clear, ocean blue eyes - sparkling by the train's lighting... His broad shoulders and fine body... He was such a breathtaking view. Shaking his head, Ken attempted to stay focus for the sake of learning more about Takeru. He shouldn't allow his emotions to blind his curiosity.
Letting out a tired sigh, the Child of Hope finally answered, "You are a lot differently from what I originally thought you to be..."
"You're gentle," he simply replied with a smile over his face. Ken held his breath in response to the boy's answer. It was entirely unexpected to hear this from the other boy. The words echoed in his mind: You're gentle... His deep violet eyes widen as he realized that his brother, Osamu had told him the same thing once long ago. Is it possible that his blond angel could understand him as much as his decease brother? Could he find his lost self that he could not retrieve entirely? Perhaps, this angelic being before is the key to his happiness.
"Do you really think so?"
"Absolutely... Ichijouji-kun, you're the gentlest person I have ever known and nothing will ever change that."
"Even if I become hateful?"
Takeru shook his head slightly. Turning around, he gazed at the raven hair boy with the most sincere expression upon his face. He was so calm despite what was the mood, and for that, Ken simply admired his discipline. "I don't think you're capable to bring yourself to hate others, not ever..."
The Child of Kindness blinked in response to his heartfelt words. His comment was so touching to hear, especially from him. It really meant something to him. If only you could talk to me like more often... I want to open up to me. I want to hear what you think, what you are going through... I want to hear them all. I want to know... I want to know more about you, Takeru... Will you tell me someday?
The two teenage boys finally arrived at the Ichijouji residence. Standing before the front door, the raven hair boy felt awkward that Takeru went all this way just for him. Although the blond does not understand his feelings at the time, it was obvious to him that the angel was overprotective. For what reason, that still laid in mystery. This boy's emotions were wrapped in such a complicated enigma. Did Takeru have any affectionate feelings to him at all? Were any of them real? The Child of Kindness must wait will all due time. Only then, he would find out to confirm whether he does or not.
As the dark hair teen pulled out his pair of keys, his eyes glanced to the other boy beside him, who was leaning against the hallway wall. With his arms crossed, Takeru appeared half-sleep. His head drooped and his eyes lowered, causing the raven hair boy to feel guilty. To travel such a long way and go back... He shouldn't allow him to return home this late at night. "Takeru...?"
"Hmm...?" he murmured softly.
"Thanks for escorting me home."
"No problem...," Takeru uttered as he propped himself straight up.
Carefully, Ken unlocked the door and turned the knob. Pushing the door open, he glared back the blond. With a small yawn, the golden hair boy began to walk away from him, leaving him standing alone in front of his apartment.
"Hey, Takeru...!" The Child of Kindness called out.
"Yeah?" he replied as he slightly nudged his head to the side in response.
"You wanna come in? It's pretty late and it's a long trip back to Odaiba."
"Thanks for asking, but I'll be fine..."
"Are you sure? It's alright passing midnight."
"Well if it makes you feel better, I'll stay over for the night, 'kay?"
Just like that, the blond angel returned back to him by his wish and entered his abode slightly. He was too groggy to argue against him at the moment. As he did, Ken followed from behind. Closing the door as they proceeded in, the raven hair boy heard a thump in the dark. Quickly, he turned the lights on, wondering where the sound came. And there on the sofa was Takeru, who apparently flopped over the couch immediately when he found it.
He had such a peaceful face when he slept. There was no evidence of pain across his complexion whatsoever. His bangs shadowed over his eyes as he lay upon his side. He appeared so calm and childlike. It was such a beautiful sight to see after all that had happened today. Sighing, Ken slipped off the black trench coat, which the blond had draped over him from before, and gently shrouded it over him to keep him warm for the night. Before he went to his room, the raven hair boy whispered to his ear. "Thank you..."
And so he left him by his lonesome and entered his room to rest for the night.
In one day, I had become weak. In one day, I had found you. In one day, I had cried. In one day, I told you everything there is to me. In one day, I want to know about you. In one day, I touched you. In one day, I want to be with you. In one day, I fell in love... Not ever I consider it would be you. Not at all... But I fell in love with you, Takeru...
END OF CHAPTER SEVEN
Whoo~!! So many things happen for these two lovebirds at the end of the night. XD First off, yay for Takeru for trying to spill his guts finally! He does realize he has feelings for Ken, but he feels that he shouldn't give in. After all, he has a huge problem expressing his feelings as well as understanding himself. So he's totally lost. Although he is surrounded by others almost everyday, he still feels alone. You get the idea. As for Ken, well he really wants to change himself immediately instead of letting nature takes its course. This would backfire on him later on. Hadn't figure out how, but it will.
Takeru losing his anti-depressants will definitely be mentioned next chapter. Kenny-boy is going on a huge roller coaster ride when he finds out why he needs them and when he started taking them! Hahaha! Going be lots of flashbacks in that one! Anyhoo, read and review and see you next chapter!!! ^_^