Heaven's Wish
Another Memory - Yamato Ishida // side black
by Midori Kou

Doubt and anxiety...
They trouble me very much.
I can't change anything...
I can only create.
To see them through...
To watch them play out...
I just hope...
That it'll turn out for the better.
I want it that way...

Have you ever wondered if you were doing the right thing? Have you ever second-guessed your abilities because of someone or an incident? I did... yet again... Funny how things seem to be perfect one time and then terrible the next. I guess that's how life supposed to be. It's a spirally, ferocious rollercoaster that went haywire. An everlasting ride of fear and yet enjoyment... A two-sided coin, I guess. Life can be difficult and painful if you allow yourself to believe it, but it can be wonderful to you looked otherwise. Unfortunately, I can't find myself to believe that anymore.

When you think about death, should a person feel happy about it? Should you feel happy to lose someone close to you? I know I wouldn't, but that's what Takeru does when I visit him. It's been only a week since then... Since his best friend, Miki Akatsu and his family died.

Who is Miki Akatsu, you ask? His best friend since kindergarten who dyed his hair to red and got an ear piercing when he was eight... Yeah, you can already tell what kind of person he was with that description. But seriously, he was a good person, probably the number one person you want as a friend.

Even so, a person like him shouldn't have to deal with a dysfunctional family, but hey, who has a family that isn't? Still, his family was worse off than having divorced parents. I won't explain the rest since you know how it all ended - with them all dead.

It has gained quite much media exposure, being reported as a homicide-suicide case. I think that all this coverage drove Takeru to distance himself. No one knows that he was a witness except me... I promised him that I wouldn't get him involve, but I feel like I should say something, you know.

Here I am, holding back a fragment of the truth that could end it all... End all of this nonsense... But then again, I am in no position to say anything. It should be Takeru's choice and not mine. With Takeru having this emotional withdraw, maybe I should decide for him. He must be incredibly traumatized and his judgment is impaired. What am I saying? Do I really want to do this to him? I feel like I would be betraying his trust. Damn, I really don't know what to do anymore.

Maybe, I should get Takeru some help first before jumping the gun. I mean, murder cases often take months, perhaps years, to be concluded. But for Takeru, I don't want him to suffer that long. He has his whole life just waiting for him. Yet with him, what has his life been about? He's been exposed to death since he was eight. Experiencing death over and over...To go through so much pain for so long would drive anyone mad. When will he be relieved from so much suffering? Really... I can't see this in a lighter view.

Why does he act that way? How can he laugh and smile so carefree when this is really eating him away from the inside out? Maybe it's just me... Maybe it's destroying me too. I don't know. I'm just confusing myself.

I had always been like this when something happens to Takeru, I guess. Just some weird instinct I have gotten as an older brother over the years, you know. Something in my gut tells me that he's bothered by all of this. His cold attitude and lack for conversation compared to his happy-go-lucky attitude he shows to everyone... He keeps telling me, "I'm fine..." when truthfully, he's not. Has he always been like this? How come I didn't notice this until now?

I feel like I have been neglecting him ever since the Teenage Wolves made it big. I guess I'm not that useful to him now... Even more so... With me always moving about and traveling, how can I know? Sure, I call him and e-mail him, but when it's not done face-to-face, how would I know if he's depressed or cheerful? For all I know, he could be lying.

No, I shouldn't think that, but I'm starting to believe it. I suppose he's trying to protect himself like how I use to be. Man, what a great brother I am... I had influenced my kid brother to become a cold-hearted brat. Great... Well, no point of me to dwell on the idea. Been there, done that... I don't need to screw myself over into self-depression again. I need to be responsible even though I'm not always there.

But what can I do? He ignores me... My advices... The words I utter... They don't reach him. Damn, was I like that? My hotheaded arrogance must have gotten on everyone's nerves. How did I finally realize that everyone was right? If only I could remember that far... Maybe, just maybe that's the key to helping Takeru.

I just need him to listen to me for once. Back in the days, he would. But then again, he grew up and starting to think for himself. He doesn't need to listen to me if he doesn't want to. I have to remember that too.

Funny how I used to isolate myself and Takeru was more open. Looks like we switched roles... So what can I do to get that Takeru back, the one who was more rational? I know what I want to do, but how can I do it? I've talked to him but only via phone. Maybe I should do it personally... When will I find the time for him though? Tomorrow I'm heading off to Osaka with the band to continue our tour, "Ultima Stella"...

As much as I'm so excited about the turnout of our concerts, I shouldn't wait that long. Takeru is my top priority. I should talk to him once he comes home. He probably won't listen at first, but I'd rather be of some help somehow. Maybe I'll discuss the Akatsu case with Kaa-san before I leave. I want to help my kid brother, you know.

I just hope Takeru won't hate me for what I'm about to do. I have to tell someone what's going on. I don't want to let this continue on. Even so, this could become worse if anyone outside our family knows... If anyone else knew, the facts could be altered and manipulated, perhaps jeopardize Takeru's safety. If any stranger knew I'm Takeru's brother, then the paparazzi would definitely be stirring some nasty tall-tale stories. I have to be careful on how I approach this.

I probably would regret it, but what's right is right and what's wrong is wrong. Okay, that's not always true since rules and regulations always change. I guess I just have to believe what I'm doing is the right thing like I always have. I just wish it won't backfire and become worse.

Well, first thing's first and that is to talk to Takeru about all of this. He should decide. I shouldn't force it upon him. Takeru should have a say in this. After all, he'd seen what happened, not me. I'll wait for his decision. That's what I should do. That's the right thing to do.

Okay, let's get this over with... Wish me luck. I'll need it.

END OF SIDE STORY 2

Author's Notes:

How's that for you? Man, I got depressed when I wrote this up. Why did I write up such an angsty background for Yamato and Takeru? **shrugs** Eh, whatever... Though it really makes you really sad... ;_; Unlike Daisuke's narration style, I made Yamato's more straightforward and hesitant instead of a dreamy and hopeful storytelling. Quite suitable for his character, I believe. In case you didn't know the timeline, this occurs during Takeru's first year in junior high during the fall. (That's when Japanese students have their midterms, right? O.o Trying to remember all of this hurts my brain on a hot day.) Anyhoo, the second Yamato side story, "side white" will come with chapter 12. Hopefully it'll be up soon. ^_^ Well, now go on now and review.