by Pretty Pretty Princess
Disclaimer: I don't own Digimon, Palm Pilots, Star Wars, Particle Man, Johnny Cash, FTP Florists, or any other such things referenced in this fic.
I can't believe i wrote this. It started out as a few sentences meant to be a serious Kenkeru. But then I put in a crack about Ken sniffing Takeru's hat and.... it took off from there. 28 pages, baby. Contains Daikeru/Takedai, Kenkeru/Daiken, Taito/Yamachi, and pretty much calls all the Digidestined fruity. Yaoi, but nothing graphic. A few bad words, including multiple uses of the word 'ass'. Specifically, 'Takeru's ass'. Blame it on society's inability to socialize and condition me into a real Pretty Pretty Princess.
I made up Lupumon. Why? Cause I couldn't remember any good menacing Digimon. And I don't chat much, can you tell?
"Touch the Wormmon" it ain't. But here goes.
Uke-ism, Gaydar, and Wormmon: the Hidden Link
Daisuke: "Alright everyone, time to hop into the digital world!"
Chibimon: "We're the only two here, Davish."
Daisuke: *scratches head* "Uh, I was practicing. But please, try to remember, my name is Daisuke. And what in the hell possessed the dubbers to give you that speaking disorder?"
Chibimon: "I don't know. But look at me! I'm cuuute! Let'sh take another bath with conveniently-placed bubblesh!"
Daisuke: "Is the author still bitter about that?"
Chibimon: "Apparently sho."
Daisuke: "What a perv, I'm eleven for Gennai's sake... *sigh* Why don't you digivolve so you can talk normal?"
Chibimon: "Okay, would you like the 'Fire of Courage', or the 'Shtorm of Friendship'?"
Daisuke: "Eh, forget it. Hey, maybe I can chat online to pass the time... hey I rhyme! *sweatdrops, mumbling* I'm gonna kill the author for making me say that...."
Chibimon: "Huh, what Davish?"
*mr_sexypants has logged on*
*search for: BlondeAmbition*
Daisuke: "Ha! He's on! He's in the... FTP flower arranging fanatics room?..."
Chibimon: "You should be careful Davish, it could be shome kook. He hashn't even told you hish name, and he likesh arranging flowersh..."
Daisuke: "Not knowing who I'm talking to makes it more exciting. It's a diversionary tactic deployed by the side of me which has grown weary of my dull and uninterruptedly routine existence... Ooh, text show up pretty green!"
mr_sexypants: hey baby
BlondeAmbition: hey yourself honey
mr_sexypants: so we meet again
BlondeAmbition: you searched me out
BlondeAmbition: I feel special
mr_sexypants: well all the other hot boys were offline...
BlondeAmbition: har har
BlondeAmbition: that one twit keeps bothering me
BlondeAmbition: yea can't get rid of her (?)
mr_sexypants: ?? dunno, him/her
BlondeAmbition: shim... creepy
mr_sexypants: block it
BlondeAmbition: tried. gets around
BlondeAmbition: more ways than one ~_^
mr_sexypants: really set on you
mr_sexypants: but youre mine, ne
BlondeAmbition: i got your name branded on my ass, dont i?
Chibimon: *profoundly disturbed by direction of online conversation* "Doesh he really?"
Daisuke: "No! Of course... well... I hope not..."
mr_sexypants: send me a pic
BlondeAmbition: huh, my bff left digital camera here... just might
mr_sexypants: bf? *sniff*
BlondeAmbition: bFemalef, dummy.
mr_sexypants: oh. never keep up with these things.
mr_sexypants: thought IMHO was im a ho for longest time....
mr_sexypants: mass chaos and cofusion
mr_sexypants: hm, got an im
over40_n_feelin_foxy: are you really eleven?
*mr_sexypants has blocked the handle*
mr_sexypants: excuse me while i vomit
BlondeAmbition: thats what you get for visiting /those/ chatrooms. the weirdoes follow you
mr_sexypants: the rooms like where i met you?
BlondeAmbition: huh. guess so
cutey_honey: I wasn't done talking with you.
BlondeAmbition: GET AWAY!
cutey_honey: How dare you treat me this way!
mr_sexypants: lay off, he's taken ^_^
cutey_honey: I didn't ask you!
cutey_honey: You should appreciate the fact that I'm interested in you.
cutey_honey: I refuse to be treated like a mat to be stepped on!
*BlondeAmbition has blocked the handle*
Daisuke: "Geez, almost as bad as Jun.... though with more control over grammar and spelling..."
BlondeAmbition: it's really frighening, every time
mr_sexypants: i can imagine
BlondeAmbition: i gotta go. see ya ~_^
mr_sexypants: ciao, baby ^o^
BlondeAmbition: looks like a pig nose
mr_sexypants: we've been over this its a /kiss/
BlondeAmbition: funny, looks like silly keyboard symbols to me
mr_sexypants: har har, you dont deserve it anyways
*BlondeAmbition has logged off*
*mr_sexypants has logged off*
Daisuke: "I hope I get to meet him in person one day, sounds real cute..."
Chibimon: "But you've only talked to him online."
Daisuke: "I have a hunch. Trust me, I know about these things. My intuition doesn't lie."
Chibimon: "Your intuition ushed to tell you the crusht on bread wash put on after it wash baked. You almosht had Miyako convinshed before Iori told her the truth."
//A/N: Know why that's funny? Because one of my friends thought that exact thing was true for the first fifteen years of his life! Not the sharpest tool in the shed, are we Eric?//
Daisuke: "So sue me, I was wrong once. But I'm not wrong any other time!"
[two hours later when the rest show up...]
Miyako: "How long have you two been here?"
Daisuke: *defensive, insecure at own inability to read clock and stupidity at not asking others for time* "Who cares?! Me and Chibimon had fun playing Solitaire!"
Miyako: "Solitaire is for only one player!"
Iori: "Maybe it takes both of them to play it."
Takeru: "Whatever. Let's get started."
Hikari: "Oh Takeru, I accidentally dropped my D3..."
Takeru: "... Would you like me to pick it up or something?..."
*bends over, picks it up, hands it to Hikari*
Takeru: "I don't understand. You drop it every single day."
Hikari: "I must be clumsy, he he..."
Koushiro: "Before you go, I'd like to make an announcement. My tests are finished, and it's confirmed: the Digital World breeds homosexual tendencies."
Daisuke: "Whaaaat? So we go back and forth with those freaky animals and it's wham bam, thank you mister?"
Koushiro: "Well, yes... It effectively explains the high incidence of Digimon yaoi and yuri fanfiction on the internet... *mumbles* though I don't see why everyone has to love Taito so much... Yamashiro, Taishiro, and Jyoushiro are just as good... Wait, whatever happened to Kou-anything? This is absurd!"
*Koushiro sits down in a huff, opens laptop, and proceeds to search for Kou-anything*
Koushiro: "Damn! Doodley squat!"
Hikari: "Well, that explains the high number of you setting off my gaydar... I was ready to disbelieve it..."
Miyako: "Never disbelieve the gaydar."
Daisuke: "Right. So we're all a lovely shade of purple. Now that it's all official, let's get that Kaiser!"
Iori: "Wow, I never even really thought about it. But here I am. Gay. Who would've thunk..."
Takeru: "You've obviously never come across the goldmine of Takori out there."
Iori: "What's that?"
Takeru: "Er... never mind. Let's kick some Kaiser butt!"
*guitar music starts up*
Daisuke: "Miyako has to do it!"
Daisuke: *shrugs* "She always does it, right after making some inane comment."
Miyako: "Yes, let's go get the Kaiser! Digiport open!"
*idiotic music plays, la la la lalalalala!*
*children go through strange time warp where Daisuke and Miyako's clothes change... but only Daisuke and Miyako's*
Miyako: *looks down at self* "I still wonder how that works..."
Hikari: "Who cares, your outfit gets whisked off, Sailor Moon style. Yowza! Oh, Takeru, next time bring my digital camera so I can snap some photos."
Takeru: "Okay, soon as I'm done with my 'Study of Wind-up Monkey with Cymbals'. It's turning out really deep and symbolic-like. *pauses, thoughtful* You know, I think you're on to something; Daisuke's clothes get whisked off too..."
Daisuke: *either ignoring Takeru's comment or completely oblivious, with the latter more likely* "Alright, let's go! It should be this way!"
Iori: "How do you know?"
Daisuke: "It was never revealed. The viewer should just assume I already know what I'm doing."
Miyako: "If you say so... Oh, Takeru, I seem to have dropped my D3... would you mind handing it to me?"
Takeru: "... okay."
*bends over, picks up D3, hands it to Miyako*
Miyako: *smiling wide* "Thank you!"
*they walk along, every once in a while being forced to make a moronic pun shoved into their mouths by American dubbing*
Daisuke: "Takeru, I told you, we already had the scene where I accidentally held your hand. So you can let go."
Takeru: "Oh... right, right."
Daisuke: "So. You. Can. Let. Go."
Takeru: "Sorry... uh, muscle cramp?" *grins sheepishly and reluctantly relinquishes hold*
Iori: "Uh, Takeru?"
Takeru: "Let me guess, you dropped your D3?"
Takeru: *already bending over, much to the joy of Hikari and Miyako* "So where is it?"
Iori: "... I don't know. I lost it somewhere on the way..."
Takeru: "Then what am I supposed to do?"
Iori: "I... I was just asking...*starts to cry*"
*everyone but Takeru glares at Takeru*
Takeru: *sigh* "Fine, fine."
*walks off and is promptly swallowed by ground, a la Princess Bride (you know, that part in the swamp...)*
Hikari: "Whoa, dude..."
Miyako: "Just like Princess Bride..."
Iori: *still crying* "Aren't you guys gonna do anything about that??"
Miyako: "You're the leader, Daisuke!"
*pushes Daisuke to where Takeru disappeared*
*Daisuke takes two steps and is promptly swallowed by the ground*
Iori: *cries* "Waaaah!"
Miyako: "Okay, don't do that no more."
//A/N: AAAH!! Hair... somehow... entangled... on nose piercing!! PAIN!//
Veemon: "Well, that obvioushly doeshn't work. What now?"
Miyako: "We keep going that way towards the Kaiser."
Hikari: "How do you know that's the right way? Same strategy as Daisuke?"
Miyako: "Actually.. I'm picking him up on the gaydar..."
Iori: *stops crying and thinks* "If Izzy's theory is true then that's logical, since he's been here longer than anyone of us."
Hikari: "Okay, let's go!"
[somewhere in the Kaiser's fortress...]
Scary Lupumon: "The master was right, your scent is quite appealing."
Takeru: *shivers at comment* "Why is your master keeping me here anyways?"
Scary Lupumon: "That I don't know. Perhaps it is to sniff you all day."
Takeru: *shivers again while conjuring up images of what was just said* "Can I at least have my hat back?"
Scary Lupumon: "The master has kept your hat."
Takeru: "I realize that. What for?"
Scary Lupumon: "Perhaps to sniff it all day."
Takeru: *sighs, wondering what everyone else is doing and if they realize he's gone* "I hope that Patamon doesn't get too worried. If I'm lucky they may figure out a way to find me. If I'm not lucky, it might take them a few days to figure out they're one Digidestined short."
"And to boot, Ken the Looney might be sitting somewhere sniffing my hat."
[somewhere in a different part of the fortress...]
Wormmon: "Master, what is this structure you are working on now? Is it a new model for the spires?"
Ken: "No you pathetic worm, it's a football goalpost. I've set it up so that anytime I feel bad, I can just give you a punt and make myself feel better watching you sail between the posts."
Wormmon: *nuzzles Ken's foot* "Really master?"
Ken: "Yes, now quit that!" 'God, at least I've taught him not to hump my leg anymore.' "How is the newest plot to avenge myself on the digidestined?"
Wormmon: "Everything is running according to plan. If you aren't still too busy with your fanfiction..."
Ken: "Well, I found a good website, just a few mo- what the??... Another Daiken? It's Kensuke you bastards!! Argh!!"
*tries to suppress uncontrollable rage at his uke-state*
"That's it! I'm leaving!"
*cutey_honey has logged off*
"It is time, Wormmon..." * ominous music blares* "Begin operation KenTakeDai!"
[somewhere in yet another part of the fortress...]
Daisuke: "Veemon! Veeeeeeemoooon!"
Scary Lupumon 2: "Stop it you idiot, it's not like he can hear you!"
Daisuke: "It doesn't hurt to try!"
Scary Lupumon 2: "You're a mile underground, trust me on this one."
Daisuke: "Phooey. What am I supposed to do while I sit here? What's Ken doing?"
Scary Lupumon 2: *shrugs*
Daisuke: "Hmm... Well, I got my nifty little portable e-mail thingamajigger... maybe that boy's online again..."
*whips out trusty mini-computer which in this story doubles as a chatting device thingy, and smiles to self*
Daisuke: "I can also access all my online accounts, horoscope, weather forecasts for all of Japan and select cities in the United States... Heh, you can suck it Palm Pilot... Oh hey, he's on!"
*mr_sexypants has logged on*
mr_sexypants: hey cutey
BlondeAmbition: dont use the words cutey or honey, plz
mr_sexypants: whats up, thought you had to log off
BlondeAmbition: i did, now i'm stuck somewhere i don't wanna be
mr_sexypants: me too. bored. life possibly in danger... well, nah
BlondeAmbition: thankfully brough pokemon game
BlondeAmbition: almost caught them all
BlondeAmbition: up to seventeen, last count
mr_sexypants: ... you do realize there's 250 of em
BlondeAmbition: that one kid's kinda cute though... shi somethin or other...
mr_sexypants: shi something or... there's like three of em
BlondeAmbition: well they're all a cute mess of pixels on my teeny screen
mr_sexypants: you still havent sent me that pic
BlondeAmbition: what pic
mr_sexypants: of my name branded on your rear, silly
BlondeAmbition: oh! i got it, just not w/me. send it later.
Daisuke: "....I hope he knows I'm still joking....."
mr_sexypants: hey, gotta go, someones here
*mr_sexypants has logged off*
BlondeAmbition: bye bye
cutey_honey: I've decided to give you one more chance.
*BlondeAmbition has blocked handle*
Daisuke: "What are you doing here?"
Wormmon: "Once again I've decided to give the story an unforeseen plot twist by betraying my master... but only because I love him and think it's for the best."
Wormmon: "Follow me."
Daisuke: "Uh, if you don't mind, I'll just go on my merry way and join up with my group."
Wormmon: "Follow me!"
Daisuke: "Sorry. Gotta go."
Wormmon: "No! You shall do as I say! I'll bite!"
Daisuke: "Look, not to be a jerk, but you're on my least-intimidating Digimon list, right up there with Slothmon and Manateemon... What was up with Ken attacking us with those two? All they did was eat plants and leave piles of dung everywhere..."
Wormmon: "I certainly do not leave dung anywhere! Now respect my authoritay!"
Daisuke: *runs out of cell, jumping over tiny Wommon in the process.*
Wormmon: "Damn. All those cigarettes have stunted my growth."
[somewhere off in the forest...]
Gatomon: "How much further?"
Hawkmon: "I'm beginning to feel faint..."
Veemon: "And I'm hungry..."
Miyako: "Just a little while longer. Come on guys."
*hologram suddenly appears from a tv which must be hidden somewhere in the brush*
Wormmon: "Help me Digidestined. You're my only hope."
Armadillamon: "You again?"
Wormmon: "Please, I fear Ken is about to do something terrible. And I've also accidentally set Daisuke loose in the fortress."
Hikari: "What?? Geez, you sure are dumb."
Wormmon: "Please?? At least come to save your other friend."
Wormmon: "Er... yes that's right! If you don't get here, we'll torture him! Ooh, that's right! Much painful, awful torture!"
Hikari: "There's no other choice. Someone has to save Takeru's ass!"
Patamon: "What about the rest of him?"
Hawkmon: "It's a way of phrasing things. She really means all of him."
Hikari: "Actually, no..."
Wormmon: "Enough! Go this way!" *points with one claw-stub-finger thing*
Miyako: "Wait... but if the Kaiser is that way... who am I picking up on the gaydar?"
[somewhere in a secluded part of the forest...]
Yamato: "Are you sure there's no one around here?"
Taichi: "Sure as sure can be!"
Yamato: "I wouldn't want to surprise any unsuspecting gekomon like last time..."
Taichi: "Eh, they weren't too unhappy... Let's get started on our lovely picnic, eh?"
Yamato: *rifling through picnic basket* "What kind of picnic involves a leather harness and other assorted bondage apparel?"
Taichi: "Rowr! My kind!"
Yamato: "Okay, where exactly are you going to attach the bindings?"
Taichi: *looks around empty clearing* "D'oh!"
[somewhere inside fortress prison...]
Takeru: "Particle man, particle man, doing the things a particle can, what's he like... it's not important... particle man..."
Scary Lupumon: "Um, excuse me?..."
Takeru: "Is he a dot? Or is he a speck? When he's underwater does he get wet? Or does the water get him instead? Nobody knows... particle man..."
Scary Lupumon: "Maybe it's best to leave him alone in his suffering..."
Takeru: "Person man, person man, hit on the head with a frying pan, lives his life in a garbage can, person man..."
[in another part of the fortress...]
Ken: "Damn! I'm having trouble getting around the handle block this time... oh well. Wormmon? Wormmon! Where have you dragged your measly hide to? Ah, no matter. I must see how my soon-to-be pets are doing."
*goes down to prison section of fortress*
Ken: "Hmm, haven't been down here in a while. I never noticed but this section could sure use a makeover. That horrid thalo blue will just have to go..."
Ken: "... I think I've been watching the Christopher Lowell show too much... well, that's what I get for letting Wormmon tune in to Home and Garden TV all the time. Worthless bug."
*comes to Daisuke's cell*
Ken: "What in... What's going on? Where's my boytoy??"
Wormmon: *hears screams of anguish down the hallway* "Oh Ken, it's for the best. It's only because I love you that I do such cruel things... like putting tacks in your bed... and releasing Daisuke..."
*starts to pathetically hop down the hall*
Wormmon: "...although the latter might be crueler... Now where is that blonde one?"
[somewhere right outside the fortress...]
Hikari: "Well, I guess Wormmon was right. Here it is."
Miyako: "Alright, here's our plan of action. Hikari, you take Gatomon and Patamon and look for Takeru. Iori, you take Veemon and Armadillamon and look for Davis. I'll chase down the Kaiser with Hawkmon."
Iori: "Are you sure you'll be able to get him? He's really strong."
Miyako: *in an unprecedented moment of clarity* "I'll just find him, then give you guys the signal. Then all of you can meet up with me and we'll take him down together."
Hikari: "Sounds perfect. It'll never work."
Miyako: "Maybe this episode is an exception..."
Iori: "This episode is some freak show! Nothing is working right!"
Patamon: "Stop arguing! Remember, that worm said we're his only hope!"
Miyako: "Alright, let's go get that Kaiser!"
Iori: "You already did that once today."
Miyako: "Fine. Kill the mood. Which way in?"
Iori: *points to large door labeled 'push for entry'*
Miyako: "Yea, let's go!"
*la la la let's all get digital la la la la .... man, i hate that song...*
[somewhere in yet another part of the fortress...]
Daisuke: "Guys? Veemon? Ken? Anyone? Are you here? Man, I've been lost for at least an hour now..."
*sees doorway, decides to try his luck*
Daisuke: "Here goes nothing... Gh!"
*enters bedroom-like room, although instead of a bed a coffin is placed in the center of the room. the ceiling is covered with posters of 'Digimon Adventure'*
Daisuke: "I guess... he must really... enjoy the show..."
*walks over to back wall, which seems to be covered in pictures of...*
Daisuke: "Me?? Weird... and Takeru too... oh, and here's a bunch of Hikari with the eyes burned out and an upside-down cross drawn on her forehead... and here's- HOLY!..."
*clamps hands over mouth in shock*
Daisuke: "What in the hell are me and Takeru doing?? Oh God, who in their right mind would draw something like... like... ehh... I do kinda look like I'm having fun in that one..."
*looks at some more, ignoring the poppy red color taking over his face*
Daisuke: "Huh, he's got some with me and him, and Takeru and him..." *scratches head* "Must be a yaoi fanatic... well, to each his own I suppose, though I never agreed to this. Waaaaiiit, how come I'm the uke in all these pics?? Not fair!"
Iori: "What's not fair?"
[somewhere in the prison of the fortress...]
Ken: "Dammit! How can I be lost in my own dwelling?? It's just like the Lost Woods in Zelda!"
[back down in one certain cell...]
Takeru: "Istanbul was Constantinople, now it's Istanbul not Constantinople, been a long time gone, Constantinople, why Constantinople got the works, that's nobody's business but the Tuuuurks..."
//A/N: It's a lot of work to type Constantinople... no wonder they changed it to Istanbul!//
[in a third part of prison...]
Hikari: "Where's Takeru?"
Gatomon: "You better tell!"
Wormmon: "Save my master first!"
Hikari: "No! First we take Takeru back!"
Wormmon: "Not if I have anything to say about it! This is for you, Ken!"
*jumps as high as it can and latches onto Hikari's ankle*
Wormmon: "Grr! I will introduce you to a world of pain!!"
Hikari: "Argh, you nuisance, I have no time for you!"
*runs down the hallway with Wormmon still attached to leg*
[somewhere in non-prison part of fortress...]
Miyako: "Where the hell is he?"
Hawkmon: "Whatever happened to the gaydar?"
Miyako: "I don't know. I think it's been thrown off by so many queer people all running in different directions..."
Hawkmon: "So now what?"
Miyako: "I'll email them... Iori's found Daisuke! They're in a room with lots of pictures... of Daisuke and Takeru hugging?? What the??..."
[somewhere in the prison...]
Takeru: "I went down down doooown, into the ring of firrreee... I went down down doooown, and the flames grew higherrrrr... and it burns burns buuuuuuuurns.... the ring of firrreeeee..."
Scary Lupumon: "Please, stop! You've been singing that infernal song for the past half-hour!"
Takeru: "Heh... infernal... good one, ghhh..." *begins foaming at the mouth from overload of Johnny Cash*
Scary Lupumon: "That's it, I'm leaving. Spiral, shmiral, he can't convince me to watch this nut."
*Lupumon leaves. Takeru doesn't notice in half-comatose state*
[in a different part of the same prison...]
Ken: "Damn you Wormmon! The only reason I kept you around is because I knew this would happen! You're the only one who knows how to find your way around this awful place! Woooormmmoooon!"
Wormmon: "You called, master?"
Gatomon: "The Kaiser!"
Ken: "You idiots! Wrong movie!"
Hikari: "Alright, where's Takeru!"
Ken: *smirks* "That's really none of your business."
Wormmon: "Don't play around master, you don't know either."
Ken: "What?? You... you... What are you doing to Hikari's leg? I told you not to do that anymore!"
Hikari: "Eeeew!" *kicks leg around until Wormmon goes sailing off*
Patamon: "I don't understand..."
Gatomon: "Uh, I'll explain it to you later..."
Ken: "What'd you do that for?? Now he's gone and we'll never find our way out of here!"
Hikari: "Yes we will."
Ken: "Oh? And how's that?"
Hikari: "I'll use the Force... of the gaydar!"
Hikari: ".... Oh shoot... I think you're throwing it off track, I can't pick anyone else up... except for that one strange faint signal that Miyako was complaining about..."
[back in the secluded woods...]
Taichi: "Say it."
Yamato: "..nnn... Tai..."
Taichi: "Say it!" *cracks whip*
Yamato: "Ah! Peter Piper picked a pack of pickled peppers!"
Taichi: "Three times fast! Three times fast, bitch!!"
[somewhere above the prison...]
Miyako: "Okay, good to have you back. Hey, what was with that blurb, 'pictures of Daisuke and Takeru hugging'?"
Daisuke: *blushes* "It's not important. Let's find the others."
Iori: *whispers to Miyako* "I took a few if you want to see them later."
Miyako: *whispers back* "Shweet!"
*they run down towards the prison, where Hikari said she was*
[back down in prison...]
Hikari: "Maybe it's... wait... I hear him! He's singing!"
Takeru: *faintly* "...it burns burns buuuuurns..."
*they run towards the sound to a door*
Patamon: "TK! TK, are you there?"
Takeru: "...I went down down doooooown, and the flames grew higher...."
Hikari: "We're here to rescue you!"
Ken: "Wait! Let him sing 'I went down' a few more times!"
Gatomon: "You're a dirty dirty person!"
Ken: "Oh shove it furball, I'm in charge and you'll do as I-"
Hikari: *throws open door* "Takeru!" *gasps at Takeru lying on his back on the floor, head lolling from side to side* "Poor baby, we have to get your ass out of here!"
*she hefts him onto her back and jogs out*
Hikari: "All those hours on the Stairmaster had better have paid off... you sure are heavy."
Gatomon: "Well if the Stairmaster wasn't enough, the anabolic steroids should cover you."
Patamon: "Oh TK!..."
*they jog down a bunch of hallways, Ken following a slight distance behind*
[at some point where prison meets with the rest of the fortress...]
Daisuke: "Hey! Hikari, Takeru!"
Hikari: "Daisuke! Miyako! Iori! One of you guys take him, he's like a sack of potatoes..."
Daisuke: "I'll do it." *hefts Takeru onto his back* "Where's the Kaiser?"
Ken: "Right here."
Iori: "Why are you gasping Hikari, he was right behind you."
Hikari: "Oh, right..."
Ken: "Now that I have you all here, I can finally carry out my evilest of plans..."
All: *take a step back, fingering D3s nervously*
Ken: "Yes, my evilest, darkest, most twisted of plans, the kind that scares little children more than a vibrating Elmo doll, that on a scale of 1 to 10 of evil would register as an eight, the kind that-"
Daisuke: "While he's blabbering why don't we run?"
Ken: "No! I'm not done talking yet! And you, Daisuke, are just where I want you."
Ken: "Begin Operation KenTakeDai!"
*pulls conveniently place velvet cord*
Ken: "MWA HA HA!"
*a stone slab labeled 'Ye Kaiser's Anger' falls and crushes Hawkmon*
Ken: "Whoops, wrong one."
*pulls other conveniently placed velvet rope*
Ken: "MWA HA HA!"
*cage falls over Daisuke, with Takeru still on his back*
Daisuke: "What the hell..."
Ken: "As for the rest of you... please leave."
Miyako: *hugging Hawkmon's bloody corpse* "You... you monster!"
Ken: "Are you really sad? That was a really annoying Digimon."
Hikari: "He's right Miyako..."
Miyako: "Yea... *sniff* He was cute as Poromon, though..."
Iori: "Are we just going to leave??"
Hikari: "No! I'm not leaving without Takeru's ass!"
Ken: "From now on it's mine, so you better do as I say!"
Miyako: "Oh... Oh yeah??"
Daisuke: "Miyako, that was really lame."
Ken: "Phase two of KenTakeDai, start now!"
*a noise blares from hidden speakers at an ungodly volume level*
"I can't drive... fifty-five!"
Hikari: "He's playing... butt-rock!"
Miyako: "Sammy Hagar... assaulting senses..."
Daisuke: "No! No no no! Veemon, armor digivolve-"
Veemon: "I can't Davish! Mushic... weakening shyshtem..."
*all the Digimon de-digivolve to useless blobs*
Upamon: "...I'm.... sorry.... Cody...."
Iori: *cries from pain* "No... Upamon.... my name is.... Iori..."
Ken: "MWA HA HA! I've been building up my resistance for weeks, listening to Rush and Poison and Ratt!"
Daisuke: *down on one knee, but holding Takeru close* "What a masochist...."
Miyako: "What... should... we do?..."
*summons big ugly flying Digimon whose name I don't remember and gets on. Digimon picks up cage (which somehow acquired a floor), blasts hole in ceiling, and flies off, leaving the other Digidestined to suffer*
Daisuke: "Where are you taking us??"
Ken: "To my summer villa. You really don't think I could have all this and spend all my time in that ugly thing?"
Daisuke: "Is this really necessary? I mean, this story is already long enough. Wait, this isn't a lemon, is it??"
Ken: *begins to whistle innocently*
Daisuke: "You're sh*tt*ng me! Is that what this whole KenTakeDai thing is about??"
Ken: *keeps whistling innocently*
Daisuke: "Okay, I could forgive the lemon, and I could forgive that it involves me, but I absolutely cannot forgive the fact that you're obviously planning to, uh, *blushes* put me on the bottom of things!"
Ken: "You don't understand! How could you?? All the... the... DaiKen! The humiliation! The agony of uke-dom!"
Daisuke: "I understand perfectly!"
Ken: "Do not! What about DaiKen? And Daikeru?"
Daisuke: "Daik... Daikeru?! *looks down at unconscious boy still in his arms and blushes* Look, I don't know about the DaiKen, but the *swallows* Daikeru is a cheat. It's just the generic name people use, and it usually turns out to be pure TakeDai!"
Daisuke: "Yea. Now do you see? Have you even looked closely at all those pictures of us you have in your room?"
Ken: "What pictures?"
Daisuke: "The ones in your room! The one with the coffin!"
Ken: "That's not my room."
Daisuke: ".... Then... whose is it?"
Ken: "I'm afraid so..."
Daisuke: "B-but, what about Takeru? The stuff out there with you and him is largely Kenkeru."
Ken: "Yea, but he's just so cute I couldn't help but want to kidnap him for my evil plan, the evil evil-"
Daisuke: "Yea yea, we went over that. But... I see where you're coming from."
Ken: "So... you say you... know how I feel?"
Daisuke: "Yea, just count the number of pics where someone's pulling a move on me and I just look like I want to get outta there fast as I can..."
Ken: *hopeful* "But you don't?"
Daisuke: "Sometimes... I just resent that automatic uke designation..."
Ken: "You know... we could make it... KenDaikeru..."
*both look down at Takeru, who wakes up, blinking and stretching*
Takeru: "I had the most awful dream, that Hawkmon got crushed, and I was singing Johnny Cash songs in the Kaiser's prison, and then you and him wanted to make me uke in some strange plot and-"
*stops and blinks at both of them*
*they grin at him*
Takeru: "Heh... well... if you really want to know... I guess I don't mind... um... *blushes and looks down* yea... let's make it a happy ending for everyone, 'k?"
Daisuke: "Kinda weird... They make me uke with Takeru... who's uke with Ken... who's uke with me... We may as well roll dice or pick straws!"
Ken: *shrugs* "Sounds fine to me."
*suddenly big ugly Digimon shakes*
Ken: "Wh-What's going on??"
Wormmon: "Master, this is for the best!!"
*Wormmon is clinging to Digimon's head, keeping its eyes closed*
Ken: "Wormmon, you worthless trash! You'll make us fall!"
Wormmon: "It's for your own good!"
*Digimon starts to weave all crazy-like*
Daisuke and Takeru: *grab each other* "AAAAAH!!"
Ken: "Quit that! We'll all die if this thing falls to the ground!"
*he crawls up Digimon's neck and stands above Wormmon*
Ken: "Damn, I wish that goalpost was here now!"
Wormmon: "No Ken, you don't mean it! You love me! Meeeeee!"
Ken: "Yea, that's sincere coming from you with all your Kenkeru, Daiken, and Daikeru pictures all over your room! You've got what's coming to you!"
*gives Wormmon a solid punt*
*Wormmon goes sailing off*
Wormmon: "I loooove yoooouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu....."
[somewhere in a secluded part of the forest...]
Taichi: "Come on, baby!"
Taichi: "This one isn't even that bad of a tonguetwister! Do it lazy whore!! Bitty baby buggy bumpers!!"
Yamato: "Ah! Bittbabbnb...... Alright, untie me, let's just screw."
Taichi: "You take all the fun out of it sometimes."
*starts to undo buckles and locks to free Yama when something falls on his head*
*falls to the ground, unconscious*
Yamato: "T-Taichi? What the... you!"
Wormmon: "I know he doesn't mean it.... I'll get him back.... and make him pose with them for me... I'll take pictures... oh Ken..."
*Wormmon begins to crawl off, still dazed from his impact*
Yamato: "Wait! Taichi? Tai, wake up! Come back Wormmon! Hey, who's gonna untie me?? Hello?? Anyone? Help!!"
[somewhere back in fortress...]
Miyako: "The music... stopped??"
Hikari: "What did you say?"
Iori: "I can't hear..."
Gatomon: *yells* "Let's go home and regroup... we can't go after them now..."
*they get up and trudge to nearest TV*
[somewhere in the scenic Digital Mountains... oh god, is that generic or what?]
*one hour has passed*
*three boys are sprawled on the floor of the villa living room*
Ken: "Hey, that was really nice."
Daisuke: *stretches* "More fun than I could've ever imagined it being... I mean, hey..."
Ken: "Takeru, I didn't know you were so experienced."
Takeru: *blushes* "Well, I didn't either. I don't get much practice. No one else I know plays chess."
Ken: "That was a good game. Chess always relaxes me... Okay, now back to the KenDaikeru business..."
*another hour has passed*
Daisuke: "Whoa, we should do this more often!"
Ken: "Yes, I think some schedule changes on my part are needed."
Takeru: "Yup. I hope Hikari isn't too disappointed..."
Daisuke: "As long as she can stare at your ass, I think she'll be happy."
Ken: "But... she said she had a gaydar..."
Daisuke: "Yea, she and Miyako just have this strange obsession... well, actually, even I can't help looking whenever they make you pick up their D3s."
Takeru: "Wait... you mean... all those times they did it on purpose?"
Daisuke: "I feel bad to be the one to shatter your innocence, but yes."
Ken: "Just one thing, Takeru.... Why do you have 'mr_sexypants' branded on your rear?"
Daisuke: *gasps and chokes for air*
Takeru: "Don't tell me you didn't notice..."
Daisuke: "I was just a little too busy to stop and read it..."
Takeru: "Well, now I don't have to send the picture..."
Ken: "You guys... don't have to be back anytime soon, do you?"
Takeru and Daisuke: "Nope."
[back in the real world...]
Miyako: "How do we explain Daisuke and Takeru's absence?"
Hikari: "I'll drop by Takeru's house and tell him he's staying at Daisuke's."
Miyako: "Cool. I'll drop by Daisuke's and bribe Jun with another date with Yamato."
Iori: "Won't he be mad?..."
Hikari: "Details, details, it's a good plan."
*they split up*
*Hikari stops by Takeru's and sells the story to his mom*
Natsuko: "Oh, by the way honey, I think he meant to give this back to you..."
Hikari: "Hey, my digital camera! Cool!"
*walks off home*
Hikari: "Let's see all those wind-up monkey pictures... What the??... Is this a photo of Takeru's ass? Shweet!"
Hikari: "Wait... does that say... 'mr_sexypants'?..."
[at the Motomiya residence...]
Miyako: "So you'll cover for us?"
Jun: "Uh-huh! There's nothing I wouldn't do for my dear Yama-chan!"
Miyako: "Right. I'll see you later."
[at Iori's pad... no, I couldn't remember his last name.]
Upamon: "Yes Cody?"
Iori: "Do you think everything's gonna be okay?"
Upamon: "Yes. I think everyone got a happy ending. Except for you it seems."
Iori: "Hmm... I wonder if I'm really gay. I wonder if what Takeru said about Takori is true. Upamon, do you think everyone's gone to bed already?"
Upamon: "I think so..."
Iori: "I think I'm gonna sneak onto the internet and check a few things..."
[at Yagami residence...]
*Hikari is busy printing out an enlargement of her digital photos*
Ms. Yagami: "Hikari, sweetie?"
Hikari: "Yes kaasan?"
Ms. Yagami: "Do you know where your brother is?"
Hikari: "He might be over at Yamato's again."
Ms. Yagami: "Oh, right."
[somewhere in a secluded spot in a forest in the Digital World...]
Yamato: "Hellllooooo?...... Can anybody hear me?.......... Tai.... Taaaaaiiiii! You moron, wake up! Damn you, Wormmon! I hope your little green corpse burns to a crisp in the fiery depths of hell! *sniff* We didn't even get to shag..."
[somewhere in the abandoned fortress in a room plastered with Digimon posters and a coffin, lies Wormmon...]
Wormmon: "They don't know... the true evil... Someday... I'll get my revenge!"
MWA HA HA!!
Someday... I think I'll write a sequel. Wormmon's revenge. Sound good? Tell me!