City of Angels
Epilogue - Facing the Past
by The Ambitious Blank
Disclaimer- Digimon has never been mine. It isn't even mine now. And it probably never will be. Sucks for me, right? City of Angels has also, never been mine.. and do I even have to finish? Really, if I owned either two, I'd be rich and wouldn't be writing this, most likely. (I also don't own Vitamin C or her music!)
Comments- Okay. Final epilogue now, done to "Unhappy Anniversary", by Vitamin C. Takeru's POV, a week after Ken is killed. Tons and tons of angst, but it gives the reader some sad closure at the end, kind of like the City of Angels movie does. (If you haven't seen it, go and do so, 'cause it's the best.) It's sort of long for an epilogue, though. Ah, well. ^^;; Once again, comments are always appreciated. ^_^ Thanks!
Well, I'm still standing, aren't I?
That's something, that's one thing,
That's gone my way.
It's been a week. A week since I felt my first tears, a week since I truly knew sadness, perhaps even more so than some humans do. But then again, I am but human now. A human with loneliness that is enough to pierce holes in my very soul. A week since he left me, I used to say. But no, he didn't leave me by his own will. He was taken from me, by a force no mortal, not even angels, can withstand.
"Still moping, huh?"
"Go away, Daisuke." I said miserably, though I recognized the voice at once. The redhead had made himself visible to me, and sat down on the couch next to me. I had taken up residence in Yamato's apartment, unable to face Ken's parents. How could I? What would I have said? "I'm sorry, Mr. and Mrs. Ichijouji, but I loved your son, had sex with him, and then got him killed because I ignored my instincts." Yeah. That would have made wonderful conversation. Yamato and Taichi had gotten an apartment and were living on their own, so they let me stay with them. They were happy to offer comfort, but I still pushed them away. I couldn't talk to anyone.
"Come on, Takeru. Say something to me. Anything."
"..I want him back, Dai."
"...." He didn't say anything. He and I both knew that was impossible. Anger at his silence suddenly flew up in me, probably due to my severe depression. I didn't understand it, and I tried to stop the words as they flew from my mouth, but couldn't.
"Did you do this?! Did you plead for his death to get me back, Daisuke?!" I cried, rising to my feet, my eyes flaring. He shrank away at my anger. I kept on. "If you did, then get out! I don't want traitors around me!" I yelled. He shook his head.
"I had nothing to do with this, Takeru."
"How can I know that?!" I demanded, my rage flying out my control. He stood up suddenly and grabbed me harshly by my shoulders, forcing me firmly down on the couch, pinning me against the back of it.
"Because you know me, Takeru." He said. I turned my head away, knowing he was never to blame, but not willing to apologize. How could I? No one deserved my forgiveness.
No one told me they were sorry for taking Ken away from me.
Like everything's okay now.
When inside, I still cry
The days after Ken went were like a living Hell for me. I cried for longer than I could keep count of. Yamato and Taichi had come to get me at the hospital, because I'd gotten so hysterical I couldn't leave. After that, I'd become moody, yet I held everything inside, and wouldn't talk to anyone. Yamato tried to tell me that it wasn't healthy for any one to do that, but I didn't care. I couldn't care. It was like I was an angel again, incapable of emotion. But it was there, held within the chamber of my fragile psyche.
Though, I wasn't entirely ungrateful to Yamato. I wasn't that heartless, not even as the shadowy clutches of depression grabbed me and dragged me slowly down into a darkening pit of despair. I bottled up everything still, but knowing Yamato wouldn't leave me as long as he was alive was a comforting thought. The last thing I needed was to be alone, and he knew it, and stayed with me. He kept me fed, kept me well, from killing myself or doing something I'd regret, and essentially kept me alive. For that, I owe him everything that I have left.
My 'Niichan. My brother.
But I lie,
Sayin' it's just another day.
This is my unhappy anniversary.
The thing that set my anger off the most was the fact that the driver was apprehended, but charges were not made. It made me angry, and yet at the same time I was relieved. My angel half of me told me that he didn't deserve it, that it was no one's fault but Fate's. But Fate wasn't driving the car, and yet it was. My confusion made my anger, my depression worse, and Yamato became increasingly worried about me.
I went to Ken's school, and a few became acquainted with me, but I saw them talking about me behind their backs. How I had cried about Ken, and yet "I didn't know him". They lie, but the human mind easily makes assumptions, or is easily swayed. Yet there were two who believed me.
The first was a girl named Miyako, who had seen the accident, and was the last person to talk to Ken before he died. Slight, senseless jealously overcame me when she told me that she'd spoke with him last, that our "I love you"s weren't the last thing he'd heard from another human's lips. But I got over it quickly when she told me he'd bought strawberries "for someone special", and knew that person was me. She had watched the man in the swerving car, and had immediately thought of Ken, and had run outside just in time to see what happened. I begged her for details, but she as kindly as she could refused me. She didn't want to see me in anymore pain than I needed, she said. I was grateful.
The second hadn't seen the accident, but had seen the newspaper articles about it. I'd seen them too. Some were sympathetic, and some were terrible. "Homosexual boy cries in public for boy he doesn't know!" They cried at me from the newsstands. I hated them. People stared when I walked past, whispered. I know what they said. I was gay. So what? I just ignored them, kept my hands pocketed and my eyes lowered, even through the sneers and jeers. But, the second who believed me was a young boy named Iori. He was only ten years old, three years younger than all of us. Yet he seemed to hold the mind of an ancient man who had seen the beginning of the world, and was going to see the end.
The end of my world was losing Ken, but he seemed to know that. He offered comfort in a way different from everyone else. Telling me that moping around wasn't going to solve anything, that I'd get to see Ken again, "if there was such a thing as Heaven." I would always smile when he added that, and just nod. He shouldn't have to worry about things like that. Not yet.
I wonder if you know just how much I hurt.
To get through without you is so hard today.
A week after Ken was taken from me, and I still can't pick the pieces of my broken heart. It's shattered into such small pieces that I bet one hundred of them would fit through the loophole in a pin. I can't be as happy as I used to be. I can't. Things just don't work that way anymore. Daisuke's given up on me, and one knows they're hopeless when an angel gives up on you. He'll be back to try again, that I know, but he's surrendered for the moment. I'm partially grateful, partially not.
I couldn't bring myself to go to school that day. I couldn't face the whispers, the rumors, or the looks I got from people, sympathetic or disgusted. Neither would help me improve in any way. I buried my face in my hands, and just sobbed. My tears had dried up a few days after his death, and they were back again. I didn't care. The world could explode and kill everyone, me included, and I still wouldn't care.
All I wanted was Ken, but that was too much to ask of anyone, angel or not. I'd gotten a letter from Ken's mother, with a photo of him inside it. It was small, and I couldn't blame her for not wanting to give up any of her more prized photographs of him. I'd framed the one I'd gotten, and it sat, draped in black and lonely, on the table near my bed. My room was fairly empty, fairly plain, like I felt. My closet had a few clothes in it, all of them black. Colors bothered me now for some reason. They were all too bright, too happy for the way I felt. I still have my black-feathered shirt, and the embroidered design hasn't lost it's shimmer, it's realism. But even that's lost its touch with me.
I'm falling, and no one is there to grab me and pull me back up.
But I lie, sayin' it's just another day.
This is my unhappy anniversary.
Wishing you were here the same time next year.
Sleeping's been a problem for me too. I haven't been able to sleep long at all, and that's been making me exhausted, which is probably part of the reason I couldn't drag myself to school that day. I couldn't find the motivation to move from my bed, even. I would have been perfectly happy lying there until I rotted and died. I was completely miserable. Yamato tried bringing Iori and Miyako over, but I wouldn't see them. I couldn't face them as the pathetic mess I was making myself. I would spend hours just staring at his photo, wishing the pain would just go away.
I knew it never would, but I wished with everything I had. I didn't want to feel so alone, didn't want to know he wasn't coming back. This wasn't some movie where he could just walk through the door with some crazy story about being reincarnated, just for me. This wasn't some story, some fantasy, but I would have given anything to be in his arms again, to be perfectly happy and feel loved, as if the whole world was going for me.
Even the sun mocked me. It smiled and shone down upon the city while I sobbed in my room. It laughed at my torment, my suffering, and my pain. It warmed my face and body, sneered as I turned away from the light, wanting to enclose myself in darkness and stay there forever.
"It wasn't your fault, and you being this depressed isn't what he would have wanted." Yamato tried to tell me. I always ignored him. How could he understand?! Maybe if Taichi got killed, and it was all Yamato's fault, then my Oniichan might realize what caused my tears, but he couldn't. He knew Ken, but at the same time, he didn't understand a thing. No one did. No one understood a thing.
And I return to, get back to, my former life.
Pretending our ending was not so bad.
I know that it's time to escape you, until next year,
The sun finally left me in peace the next day. I awoke, not remembering how or when I'd actually fallen asleep. Clouds covered the sky, and I was depressed and a bit cheered by the sight. Strange, I know. I welcomed the clouds to get the w retched sun away from me, and yet I hated them because it reminded me of my day with Ken. Yamato forced me outside, claiming he wanted time alone with Taichi, which I knew he did, for I'd invaded their space in a way, but also I knew he was trying to do what he thought best.
So I went back out to face the rain. It poured down, like it did when I was with Ken, and I walked down the sidewalk. I walked and walked, and yet had no sense of direction, of where my feet might be taking me.
And suddenly I knew exactly where I was going, and couldn't stop myself. I was heading toward the soccer field I knew so well. I reached it with some hesitation, and I stared down at it, my hands firmly dug in my pockets, my clouded eyes staring down at the wet grass. Slowly, I stepped toward the stairs that led down to the field. I had to face this. Voices of the past echoed in my head.
"We gotta get up. It's gonna rain."
"What's so great about the rain?"
I stepped closer to the field.
"Isn't this great?"
"'Great' isn't exactly how I wanted to word it."
"..aww, come on. You can feel it now, at least.. once you stand out here for a little while, and you ignore how cold it is, then it just.. inspires you, I guess is a way to put it."
The rain seems to inspire only sadness for me.
I don't understand.
I hesitate as I make my way down the cement steps and stand in the grass field, in the spot where we had first kissed. I stared out at the empty, lonely field, still not understanding quite what he meant. Without thinking, I spread my arms wide and closed my eyes, turning my face to the sky as Ken did, letting the rain fall upon my face. I opened my mind and offered myself to the understanding I sought so badly.
..it inspires hope.
But I lie, saying it's just another day.
This is my unhappy anniversary,
But I smile like it's just another day.
This is my unhappy anniversary.
The answer came so simply and suddenly that I jolted and my hands went back to my sides. I stared blankly at the field, and noticed a mist had formed on it. A figure stepped through the mist, and hesitated a few yards away from me.
"Ken..?" I asked, my eyes going wide. I wanted to rush toward him, wanted to be caught in his arms, but I couldn't move. I was trapped, unable to reach out to him. He tilted his head and smiled at me.
"..the rain? It inspires hope, Takeru. You remember, right..?" He looked skyward and held out his hand, catching a few drops in his hand before smiling at me again. "The rain brings flowers, brings new life. I've always loved it for those traits.. and I love the hope it brings. The rain stands for new beginnings. It's time for you to move on, Takeru, because I promise that we'll see each other again."
"Is.. is this a dream..?" I asked, completely bewildered.
"Yes, and no." Ken said mysteriously, that beautiful smile still on his face. He held out his hand to me, and I was able to reach out finally, and touched his fingers. He stepped back into the mist with a final whisper of "I love you" before he disappeared. The mist evaporated around me, and the clouds separated, leaving only sunlight. I stared blankly for a long time before I smiled.
"New beginnings, huh?" I said to myself.
Today's a new day. With Ken watching over me, I know I'm safe.
I'll see him again. He promised.