Shin really didn't know when it started. Only a few weeks ago had he even noticed it, and now it was the only thing he could think of.

    He over looked at Jou, his eight-year-old little brother, who was almost ten years younger than he was. Jou was sitting on the couch watching afternoon cartoons, his eyes transfixed on the explosions on the screen. Shuu, his sixteen-year-old brother, was off at viola practice, so it was his turn to watch Jou that afternoon.

    Despite the age difference, they still got along quite well. Perhaps it was because their sometimes overly strict parents were usually too busy with work, and therefore Shin and Shuu were the ones who ended up watching their little brother. As Shuu was often gone after school, however, Shin was the one who usually looked after Jou. Shin wondered if this closeness was part of the reason for all of it.

    "Done with your homework, Jou?" Shin asked as he sat down next to his little brother. "You know how Dad doesn't want you watching TV until your homework is done."

    "Yep, there wasn't much, so it didn't take very long." Jou replied, his eyes fixed on the TV.

    "Then why don't you study your math some more. Dad won't be happy if you don't get a good grade on your test next week."

    Jou sighed as he turned off the TV. "Okay, but I think I know most of it already."

    "I'll tell you what," Shin said, seeing his brother's unhappiness, "you study your math, and we can go to the park later, okay?"

    Jou's eyes immediately widened behind his glasses, and agreed to the compromise. Shin figured their mother wouldn't mind a trip to the park before dinner, and ruffled the boy's black hair before he went to his room to study.

    As Shin watched his brother go, he wondered once again how it all started. Yes, Jou and him were close, but that was no reason for his current thoughts. There was no reason in the world that was good enough to explain what he was feeling.

    After all, only sick perverts fell in love with their little brothers.

    Shin took off his glasses and rubbed his face. What kind of monster fell in love with his little brother? What kind of sick freak wanted to make out with such a little kid?

    Him, that's who. He was the monster, he was the sicko. He truly despised himself, and was completely disgusted with what he had turned into. Jou was eight years old. Eight. That was way beyond being underage; that was revoltingly underage. Not only that, but Jou was also his little brother. Which made it incest, as in, filthy, disgusting, immoral incest. The combination of those two evils was the most abhorrent thing he could ever think possible.

    "I am a fucking monster," Shin whispered, his face still in his hands.
 
 

    Shin finally looked up at the clock and realized he had been torturing himself for over half an hour. With a sigh, he tried to compose himself and pretend nothing was wrong. Even though his thoughts were constantly terrorizing him, he needed to at least try to act like everything was normal, no matter how hard that was.

    Finally, Shin got up from the couch and went to Jou's room. He probably had enough of math for the day, and if they wanted to go to the park before dinner, they would have to leave soon.

    "Jou, you almost done?" Shin asked as he poked his head in his brother's room.

    "Yeah," the boy replied, closing his book. "I'm done."

    "Okay, then, get your shoes on and I'll meet you outside." Shin watched as Jou nodded and nearly ran out of the room. He really was a cute kid, and well behaved thanks to their parents. Shin sighed as he tried to bat away even those innocent thoughts, and went to tell their mother where they were going.

    Shin often wondered why his mother brought home so much work from her office. It often felt like she was still at work, as she wasn't to be bothered when she was working in the den.

    "Hey, Mom, can I take Jou to the park? He's done with his homework, and I thought it would be better than just sitting at home."

    "Sound's like a good idea, if you're sure he got all his homework done," his mother replied. "Just make sure to be home in an hour to make dinner, since I'm too busy with this report to make it myself. And make sure Jou's careful. I don't want him getting hurt or getting his clothes dirty."

    Shin nodded, and went to get his own shoes on before heading out the door.

    "Okay, Jou, we have an hour before we have to be back," Shin said as he shut the front door behind them.

    "Only an hour?" Jou asked, his face falling a little.

    "We have to be home to make dinner soon. Now, come on, the faster we get there, the longer we have at the park."

    Jou nodded, and the two headed to the local park. Shin took his brother's hand, just as they always did when they went out alone. It was for protection, Shin thought, always has been, always will be. Yet, as they were walking along, he couldn't help but feel that he really shouldn't be holding his little brother's hand.

    Fifteen minutes later they reached the park. As soon as they got there, Jou ran to the jungle gym and started climbing to the very top. Shin, on the other hand, was content to sit on a park bench and watch his brother.

    As he sat there, Shin began once again thinking about how this all happened. He had always loved his little brother, but how in the hell did he fall in love with him? How did he turn into such a sick pervert?

    It all just sort of...happened, really. There was no exact moment Shin could point to that made him fall in love with his brother. It was gradual in a way, yet it happened so fast. At first he thought it was harmless thoughts of just how cute Jou was. Then he began thinking just what made him so cute: how his hair was so soft and shiny, how his cheeks would get red when he giggled, how bright and shiny his eyes were. Even then Shin thought such thoughts were harmless. It wasn't until Shin had thoughts of holding and kissing Jou that he realized that his thoughts were not innocent. It didn't stop there, either, that would have been much too kind. He also felt himself loving Jou more and more every day, wanting to do a little bit more with him. Shin dared not wonder where these sick thoughts would finally lead to.

    Shin once again tried to ignore those thoughts, as the park was not the best place to dwell on his sins. He smiled and waved to Jou, who was now at the top of the jungle gym. Just keep your eyes on Jou and make sure he doesn’t get hurt playing in the park, Shin thought. He paused for a moment, thinking about what he just told himself, and whispered, "if I ever hurt Jou..."

    He would never, ever make Jou the least bit uncomfortable because of his sick thoughts and actions. To physically act upon his reprehensible thoughts was even more despicable than merely having them. No, he would never touch Jou in that way. Never. The mere thought made Shin shudder in self-disgust.

    After trying once again to push those thoughts aside, Shin called Jou back, saying it was time to go. During the walk home, he was only mildly surprised to realize he felt even more like he shouldn’t be holding his brother’s hand. Did he really get that much worse in the time they were at the park?

    When they got home, Shin’s mother reminded him to make dinner. Wondering what to make, he called Jou into the kitchen. Jou did always like helping him out when making dinner.

    "So, Jou, what do you want for dinner?" Shin asked as his little brother came into the kitchen.

    He thought for a moment before answering, "Macaroni and cheese."

    Shin smiled. "You sure that's what you want?"

    Jou nodded. Shin could see that Jou had made up his mind, and got out the boxes of macaroni and cheese that were usually reserved for lunch. He supposed his parents wouldn't mind it too much, especially if he made a decent side dish to go with it.

    The two made dinner, or rather, Shin made dinner and Jou helped out. Shin always made sure Jou always had something important to do, such as measure out the milk, or pour in the macaroni.

    Jou was setting the table when their father came home from the hospital. He was a big and important doctor there, as Shin often said to Jou to explain their father's long hours away from home. Their father wasn't exactly thrilled with having macaroni and cheese for dinner, but managed a smile when Shin explained that it was what Jou wanted for dinner.

    "Don't let him think he'll always be able to pick dinner, though," he said as he went to put away his hospital paperwork.

    "I won't," Shin replied. "Dinner will be ready in a few minutes."

    A few minutes after their father left the room, Shuu came home from his after school viola tutoring session.

    "I see Jou picked dinner tonight," he said as he looked into the pot that was on the stove. "Any reason why?"

    "Felt like it," Shin replied, shooing away his brother. "Have fun at practice?"

    "Not if you count going over the same song for three hours fun. What did you and Jou do today?"

    "Jou studied for a math test then I took him to the park," Shin replied, not mentioning what he did while Jou was studying. "Go tell Mom dinner's going to be ready soon," he added, quickly changing the subject.

    If I fell in love with Shuu, at least then it wouldn't be underage, Shin thought to himself as he watched his brother leave to put away his viola. He would have been mildly amused by such a comment, if it weren't so damn close to home.

    Dinner itself proved to be uneventful, despite what was being served. Everyone noticed Jou eating more than usual, yet no one seemed to notice how little Shin ate. Ever since this whole thing started, Shin didn't have much of an appetite, and his figure was starting to show it.

    As it was Shuu's turn to do the after dinner dishes, Shin went to his room to do his homework. He needed to work on a literature paper, and his calculus homework was due tomorrow.

    Shin had always done exceptionally well in school, partly because his father was so strict about doing well. He had just recently been awarded a scholarship to Tokyo University, and he was on his way to graduating in the top 5% of his class.

    None of that mattered, however, since he was nothing more than a perverted monster who was in love with his little brother.

    Shin was concentrating hard on his calculus homework, mainly so he wouldn't have to think of other things, when he heard a knock on his door.

    He was about to ask who was there when Shuu opened the door and walked in. "Would you like to come in?" Shin asked as Shuu took a seat on the bed.

    "Shin, what's wrong?" he asked, ignoring the comment.

    Shin could only look at his brother. Oh gods no. No. No one could ever learn about what he was feeling for Jou. Absolutely no one.

    "Just stress from school, I guess," Shin finally replied, trying his hardest to appear calm. "Why do you ask?"

    "You're not acting right, Shin. You haven't been eating recently, and I notice that you have this new found habit of sitting alone in a room and staring into space."

    Shuu's gaze almost hurt. "Oh, that. I guess I have been more stressed out than I thought I was. I'll try to relax, if it'll get you off my case." Shin smiled as he said the last part, hoping to reassure his brother. Oh please, let that convince him.

    "Okay, fine, but if there's absolutely anything bothering you, or you just need to talk to someone, let me know, okay?"

    "I will, now get the hell out of my room."

    "Okay, fine," Shuu said, finally smiling, "but start eating. You’re skinny enough as it is." He left the room, leaving Shin very relieved.

    Shin sat there for a moment, thinking about what his brother had said. Oh, he did want to tell someone of what was going on, but he couldn’t.

    "I can’t tell you," Shin, finally whispered, "I can’t tell you because it’s too horrible to tell. You’d think I was some horrible monster, and you’d be right."

    He looked down at his unfinished calculus homework and began working on it again. Anything so that he wouldn’t have to think about what was happening. Besides, it was due tomorrow.
 
 

    After he finished his homework, Shin went to bed. He knew he wouldn't be sleeping much that night, he never did, as being alone in the dark silence did nothing but intensify his self-torture. He always ended up staring at the ceiling for several hours, reminding himself of just how sick he was. It was no wonder he dreaded going to bed.

    That night proved to be no different. He spent the next hour staring into the darkness, wondering how he was going to live with himself the next day.

    A cry broke Shin from his thoughts. It sounded like Jou, and since everyone was usually fast asleep at this hour, Shin quickly got up to make sure his little brother was all right. It probably was just a bad dream, but Shin wanted to make sure.

    He slowly opened the door to his brother's room, and found Jou sitting up in bed. Shin could see that he was still upset from the light of the boat shaped nightlight plugged into the wall. It was actually Shuu who gave it to him for a birthday present.

    "Jou, are you all right?" Shin asked, sitting next to him on the bed.

    "I had a bad dream. I was killing this monster, but instead of it trying to eat me, it was screaming that I shouldn't kill it."

    "It's okay, Jou. After all, it was only a bad dream." Shin ruffled his hair a bit before adding, "Why don't you go back to sleep, and I'll stay here a bit to make sure the monster won't come back."

    Jou nodded, and crawled back under the covers. In almost no time he fell asleep, almost like he forgot about the monster.

    Shin looked down at his sleeping brother. He was huddled underneath his blanket, with only his head poking out and his hair already disheveled. He was so precious lying there perfectly still. His features were soft with a bit of redness in his cheeks, and his lips were slightly parted. Shin would have compared him to a sleeping angel, but angels were never this lovely.

    "You are so beautiful, Jou," Shin barely whispered, carefully stroking his hair. After admiring his brother for a moment longer, Shin bent over and gently kissed him on the lips.

    "Oh my god."

    Shin quickly pulled away from his brother in horror, realizing what he had just done. He didn't just kiss him on the lips. No, no, that couldn't have happened.

    Oh god, he did.

    Shin left the room, terrified of what just happened. He had kissed his little brother on the lips. He had finally acted upon his sick and demented thoughts. He really, truly was a monster.

    He huddled on his bed, trembling with fear and self-loathing of what he had become. How could he have done such a thing? How could he have possibly kissed his little brother? Tears started falling from his face, and he began to whimper. How could he have let himself do that? As his crying became louder, he stuffed his head underneath his pillow to make his cries less audible. He couldn’t let anyone see him like this, they’d just ask what was wrong. He lay there all night with his head underneath his pillow, crying tears of disgust, hatred, and fear.
 
 

    When Shin heard his father get up for the morning, his crying had been reduced to whimpering. He hadn’t slept the entire night. He was supposed to get up in half an hour, and tried to wipe away all the evidence of what happened that night and calm himself down. When he looked in the mirror in his room, he saw that his eyes were sill fairly red and puffy. Eye drops could cure the redness, he thought, and he would say that he didn’t get enough sleep to hide the rest.

    Despite all his worrying, no one really noticed Shin that morning. He was greeted with the same passive caring that he was always greeted with when he sat down to the breakfast table. Even Shuu didn’t give him any questioning looks, but merely ate his waffles and mentioned that he didn’t have viola practice today, so he could watch Jou in the afternoon.

    The day proved to be no better for Shin. He went through all the motions: dropping off Jou, walking with Shuu to their private high school, and pretending like he was paying attention in class, yet he was hardly even aware of the outside world. He was too busy continuing the nightmare he dragged himself through the night before. The only interaction he had with other people was on the way home, when Shuu made a comment about how tired he looked. Shin just waved it off, however, saying that he was still stressed over schoolwork.

    After all three of them got home from school, Shin almost immediately shut himself up in his room, claiming that he was going to do homework. He did try to do his assignments, but as soon as he had opened his books, all he could think about was what he did the night before. Finally he broke down and started crying once again.

    It was only a few minutes later that Shin heard a knock on the door. He froze at the sound, terrified of being caught. He could not let anyone see him like this. Absolutely not. They would for sure think something was wrong.

    There was another knock, this time louder. "Shin, you in there?"

    It was Shuu. "Yeah," Shin replied, trying desperately to sound normal.

    "Can I come in?"

    "Do you have to? I'm busy with-" The sound of the door opening cut Shin off, immediately filling him with dread. No, oh no, this couldn't be happening.

    "Shin, what's wrong?" Shuu's voice was caring but firm.

    "It's nothing, really." He couldn't bear to look at him with his tear stained face.

    "The hell it isn't."

    "It's...I bombed a test last week, and I know it's going to wreak havoc on my GPA." Oh please let him believe that.

    "That's bullshit, Shin. What the hell is going on with you?"

    He felt hands grabbing his shoulders and turning his body around. And then he was face to face with Shuu.

    "Why are you crying, Shin? What's wrong? Tell me."

    Shin was too terrified to say anything. This wasn't happening. This just wasn't happening.

    "God damnit, Shin, what the hell is so wrong?" Shuu finally yelled.

    It was all over. "I kissed him! I kissed Jou!" Shin finally yelled, breaking into loud sobs. He soon felt arms around him, and his head being gently pushed onto his brother's chest. Why was Shuu doing this? Why hadn't he yelled at him, or hit him, or even ran away in disgust? Why was he hugging him?

    It didn't really matter what Shuu was doing, though. The world now knew what a horrible, sick pervert he really was. He heard his brother whisper something before completely shutting himself off from the rest of the world.
 
 

    "Oh god."

    That was the only thing Shuu could say once he realized what his brother was saying. Oh god. No wonder Shin was acting like he was. He was putting himself through total hell. Shuu looked down at his crumpled up, sobbing brother. He simply could not imagine the torture and the pain that he was going through.

    "Shuu, what's wrong with Shin?"

    It was Jou. "Shin's not feeling well," he replied. "Come here, Jou, I have something very important for you to do."

    Jou obeyed, and was visibly upset to see his older brother reduced to a sobbing mess. "Is Shin going to be all right?"

    "I hope so. Now, listen very carefully. I need you to call both mom and dad, okay? I need you to tell them that it's a very important emergency, that Shin isn't feeling very well at all, and they need to get home right away. Okay?"

    Jou nodded solemnly, and hurried out of the room.

    "If you can hear me at all Shin," Shuu whispered, "you should know that I don't hate you. I still love you."

    Jou returned a moment later. "Mom's on her way home, but they had to page Dad before I could talk to him. But he said that he's coming home, too."

    "That's good, Jou, good job." He looked at his little brother, and saw that he was on the verge of tears. "It's okay, Jou. Mom and Dad are going to be here soon."

    "But what about Shin?"

    Shuu paused before answering, "I don't know. I hope he'll be okay."

    Jou went over and put his arms around Shuu's neck and looked at Shin. "I'm scared, Shuu."

    "That's okay, Jou, I'm scared too."

    The two became silent as they listened to their brother's sobs and waited for their parents to come home.
 
 

    "Shin? Shuu? Jou?"

    "Who's crying so loud?"

    Shuu looked up when he heard the voices of his parents. Thank god they were home. It felt like hours since Jou had called them.

    "Mom! Dad! Shin's not feeling well!" Jou yelled, letting go of Shuu and running to the front door.

    "It's okay, Shin, Mom and Dad are here now," Shuu said, even though he was sure Shin couldn't hear him.

    "My god, what happened to Shin?" Dr. Kido asked, kneeling next to Shuu.

    "What's happening?" asked Mrs. Kido, kneeling down on the other side.

    "It's..." Shuu wasn't quite sure how to say this, especially with Jou standing right next to him. "Shin, um, kissed him in that way," he finally mumbled, slightly nodding his head towards his little brother.

    Silence followed as his parents' faces became deathly pale.

    "You mean..." Mrs. Kido barely whispered.

    Shuu nodded his head.

    She immediately began crying, and put an arm around Shin.

    "What's wrong with Shin?" Jou asked, looking confused.

    Dr. Kido got up, and took Jou off to the side. "Jou, Shin...Shin's brain isn't working the way it should, and that's why he's acting like this."

    "Will he be okay?"

    "It might take him a while to get better, but I think he'll eventually be okay."

    Jou nodded, but that still did not prevent him from crying.

    While Dr. Kido was comforting Jou, Mrs. Kido turned her attention to Shuu. "What exactly happened?" she asked, wiping away tears.

    Shuu told him what had happened after school, although he didn't say anything about how Shin had been acting strange the past few weeks.

    "So he hasn't responded to anything once he began crying?" Mrs. Kido asked once Shuu was finished.

    He nodded, and looked down at Shin. He was still sobbing with the same intensity as when he first started, and had nearly soaked the front of Shuu's shirt. "Is he really going to be all right?" he finally asked.

    "I don't know. I hope so."

    "What's going to happen?"

    "I don't know that either." She then sat down on the floor, wrapped an arm around Shin, and started crying again.

    Shuu then looked over to where Jou was. Dr. Kido was still comforting Jou, who was crying even harder. Shuu returned his gaze to his older brother, and hugged him closer. "Stop torturing yourself, Shin," he whispered. "We still love you, and we'll be here for you. Just stop torturing yourself."